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Porn Star Ashli Orion Gives A Fingerjob In The Strangest Bea Arthur Tribute Ever

Josh Spector — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:17:00 +0000

When our pals at Comedy.com are not busy bringing you comedic greatness on sites like this one, they gather in a dank Hollywood studio to bring you a live streaming broadcast of ridiculousness known as Comedy.com’s Best of the Web. You can (and should) head over to TheStream.tv to watch this week’s episode live today at 6 pm (PST) because you’ll be in for quite a treat.

In the last edition of the show, host and Laugh Track editor Matt Komen was joined by comedians Mike Bridenstine and Ben Gleib as well as porn star Ashli Orion for a particularly unusual tribute to Bea Arthur. As you’ll see in the video clip below, the tribute featured some interesting poems and even more interesting finger play. If you like the clip below (and you will), go here to check out the full episode.

What Video Game Character Would You Want To Have Sex With?

Josh Spector — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 15:36:00 +0000

On the latest episode of Comedy.com’s weekly live Best of the Web show on TheStream.tv (you can watch the full episode here), the guys addressed a very serious issue – what video game character you’d most like to sleep with. Comedian and political comedy blogger extraordinaire Mike Bridenstine had an answer that we felt we should share with you here.

Love/Hate With Brido: How Nerds Ruined Star Wars and Baseball

Josh Spector — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 18:00:00 +0000

How Nerds Ruined Star Wars and Baseball

Today’s Love/Hate will cover a different topic: Liking things.

Whatever happened to just ‘liking’ stuff? It doesn’t exist anymore. ‘Like’ is dead and it was killed by nerds. I’ll explain with two examples.

When I was a kid, my favorite movie was Return of the Jedi. I liked it more than I liked any other movie. Fifteen years later, I was in college and the world had
something called the Internet. Things had really changed.

A kid in my dorm asked me if I liked Star Wars. I said I did. He proceeded to show me his tatooo of the Rebel Alliance symbol and his Star Wars edition of Trivial Pursuit.

If you didn’t know every obscure character’s name and title, or if you’ve never read any of the Star Wars Expanded Universe fan fiction, you were a chump in the game.

Did you know lightsabers were invented in the year 9990 BBY? That’s Before the Battle of Yavin. No? Never heard of the Battle of Yavin either? Well, fuck you. You
don’t really ‘like’ it. Not according to the nerds, anyway.

I’m sorry, nerds. I didn’t know that in order to like something, or say something was my ‘favorite,’ I had to immerse my entire life into it in a way that would
scare people.

COME ON, nerds. I really liked Star Wars! I had the toys. I went and saw it with my Dad. Now nerds convinced me I was undeserving. I know the main characters. I was Yoda for Halloween when I was 4. Do I really have to know the history of the Sith Lords or who was named Grand Master of the Jedi Order after the Conclave of Exis Station?

Star Wars is an easy thing for nerds to ruin. It’s sci-fi AND fantasy. It’s a marraige of two things very historically popular in the nerd community. But
the next thing ruined for me came as much more of a surprise. It was a sport. That should be kryptonite to a nerd.

But not with baseball.

Growing up my favorite sport was baseball. I had stats and records memorized. But that’s the thing about baseball. It has statistics. You know who loves statistics? Nerds!

Nowadays, if you don’t have Bill Jame’s Baseball Abstract memorized and listen to
hours of sports talk radio every week or frequent your favorite team’s message board, you don’t have a clue what’s going on. I don’t want to play Fantasy
Baseball with people who worship Sabermetrics and have acronyms for things like the Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm.

What happened? Do you have to carry around a TI-83 graphing calculator and a book of formulas to be a baseball fan now? Say it ain’t so, baseball. Screw steroids in baseball. Nerds in baseball is the number one thing disenfranchising me.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his experiences with Eminem fans and his love of England. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Two Shows You Should See

Josh Spector — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:26:00 +0000

Hey everybody, we just wanted to take a quick second to recommend a couple live shows to you that are coming up in the next couple weeks.

First, if you live in the Washington, DC area (or are really motivated to travel there), you should head down to the Arlington Cinema ‘n Drafthouse on April 20th and celebrate 4/20 (you stoners know what we’re saying) with our pals Rob Cantrell and Tony Camin.

For those of you that live in the Los Angeles area, you should check out Whip It Out Comedy columnists Kyle Kinane, Mike Bridenstine, Mike Burns, and Renee Gauthier among others at their Gimme A Minute show this Saturday night at the Westside Eclectic Theater in Santa Monica.

Here’s a link to all the exciting details.

Love/Hate With Brido: Eminem Fans

Josh Spector — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 07:18:00 +0000

Hi everybody. Here’s a little more background information on me before I launch right into this column.

Before moving to Los Angeles six months ago, I was in Chicago doing stand-up and became a part of a comedy collective known as Blerds. We formed in 2006 and made comedy videos. One of my videos (co-written and co-starring Mike Holmes and directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts) is a parody of every Eminem song. Perhaps you’ve seen it. Perhaps not.

The video has gotten its fair share of exposure and views. Not millions, but enough to warrant a good number of comments on sites like MySpace, Super Deluxe, eBaum’s and YouTube, etc. My favorite comments are not the “LOL”’s and compliments. They are the comments by angry teens who love Slim Shady and want to tell us how much they dislike the video.

Even the French have angst-ridden teens who like to tell us our mothers are whores. We’ve had a good time sharing the hate mail, both on and off stage, but I’ve never taken the time to retort to anything the naysayers have said.

Yesterday, Jordan sent on a particularly good comment from the Blerds’ YouTube page to myself and Mr. Holmes. What I’ll do here is go line by line and argue with this young man. I hope you enjoy.

“k look here don’t eva disrespect slim shady and especially because you think you are all that talking bout somebody”

We don’t think we are “all that.” This is more of a parody than a simple disrespect. I am not in the “rap game” and you should actually read it as more complimentary that we featured an artist you clearly like. So it’s not a “beef rap” as you traditionally know the term. Sorry for the confusion. You should look up the word “parody.” And “comedy.” It might help you get less angry when you see something like this.

“but newsflash you’re not i betcha there is at least 10 million ppl that hate you guts because of that”

I have a better news flash for you. There are not 10 million people that hate our guts. I think only a million people have seen this video. And a lot of those people have said they liked it. So your bet of “atleast [sic] 10 million” people is a bet you will lose. But, yes, I will bet you.

“so i tell you what next time you decide to eva talk bout a celebrity like that make sure that it’s a real loser like you.”

We didn’t “talk about” Eminem. We did a parody of his songs. Why would we “talk about” a “real loser” celebrity the next time? Look up “parody” again and figure out why people would go after non-loser celebrities. I don’t think someone like the black kid
from Different Strokes (let’s say) needs to be taken down another peg. We wrote the parody in 2005, when Eminem had a hit album.

“did you think it was some sorta joke???”

Yes, I did think it was a joke.

“do you think it was funny cause it wasn’t”

Humor is subjective.

“so you need to learn who you dealin wit shady way better than you so don’t eva think about doing something like that again”

We know Eminem is better than us at rapping. Again, we’re not in the hip-hop game.

“and his song don’t go: yea trailer park 8 mile shady 8 mile Detroit 8 mile Detroit Hailey Hailey Hailey MOM AND KIM AND HAILEY MOM AND KIM AND HAILEY mom and mom and mom and dr. dre mom and kim and mom and slim shady mom spaghetti. stuff like that”

Yes, we know his songs don’t “go like that.” Not exactly, anyway. It’s an exaggeration. Look up “comedy” one more time. Then “parody” for a third.

“you know what he is real and unlike you he doesn’t have a fake world of lets make fun of ppl songs.”

Eminem does actually make fun of people in his songs. A lot, actually. Christopher Reeve, Sonny Bono, Britney Spears, ’N Sync, Christina Aguilera and the Backstreet Boys to name a few. If you are so passionate about his music, I’m surprised you didn’t
know that.

“so get it straight oops… im sorry you’re not straight your gay thats right”

Nobody involved in this video is homosexual, actually. But I can see the wheels turning in your brain as you typed this. You’re like a mongoloid James Joyce stream-of-consciousness writer. As soon as you typed “straight” I could almost see the light bulb go off in your dead-behind-the-eyes face. Your best attempt at being clever wasn’t very good at all. Why would I expect you to get this video? I hope the kids that obviously pick on you at school, keep doing so. I don’t want to come down to your level, but what’s gayer – poking fun at another man or your blatant worship of Eminem?

This is like an impassioned love letter defending your gay lover to your parents after
the blowup at Thanksgiving. You want his penis in your mouth. It’s obvious. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not for me, or the people that were involved in the video. But it’s definitely and obviously for you.

“and i’m only a kid just imagine what an adult would say 2 u.”

You think adults are sending us crazy messages on YouTube? No, buddy. Most adults understand humor more than you. But you’ll never know. A peace-keeping mission overseas or a garage accident is going to cut short any future you’ll have to know
about that. Also, you’ll die a virgin.

“and btw shady raps he doesn’t just say words he hears so get a life.”

We know that “shady raps.” It’s not like that was another point you were throwing in. You’d already mentioned it.

“i wouldn’t mind if was just a celebrity but eminem is not just a celebrity and im gonna message him and tell him what you did”

You’re gonna tell on us to Eminem? Do you think Eminem is going to read your email and get his posse together in some sort of revenge? I hope he does. But go ahead. He seems like a guy who’ll email you back and you two can come up with a retaliation plan. Maybe afterward you can fulfill your fantasies of picnics and running through fields together.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his love of England and hatred of Hillary Clinton. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Love/Hate With Brido: England, Hollywood, & JefferyCMusic

Josh Spector — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:06:00 +0000

Hate: England (1485-1603) AND Hollywood (2007-Present)

I recently did a week-long tour of Jolly Olde England. During the trip, I visited the site of the Battle of Bosworth Field, where in 1485 Henry Tudor (Henry VII) defeated Richard III to end the War of the Roses and begin the Tudor Dynasty. I knew nothing about it at the time. Because who knows anything about English history?
Then, on the plane ride home, I watched Elizabeth: The Golden Age as the in-flight movie. When I got home, The Other Boleyn Girl was out in the theater and ads for Showtime’s big series, The Tudors, warranted a DVD rental of the first season.

The Tudors, who reigned England from 1485-1603, are currently big business in Hollywood. People can’t seem to get enough of Elizabeth I, Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn and all of Henry’s five other wives. It’s high drama with battles, manipulation and (on Showtime) lots and lots of tits and fucking.

Why do I hate it?

Because now I’m on Wikipedia for hours at a time trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s like a super gay soap opera that happened 500 years ago, and reading up on it is like getting spoilers for that gay soap opera.

I was watching The Tudors yesterday with the gal, and found myself blurting out interesting factoids about what would happen to Cardinal Wolsey, Sir Thomas More and Thomas Cromwell during the English Reformation.

I’m not a history buff. I’m a nerd who skipped ahead and read spoilers on Wikipedia, my new default spoiler fanboy site that tells me all the dirt on what’ll happen to all these fancily-dressed characters. You got me, Hollywood. And I hate you for it.

Love: JefferyCMusic

I appreciate awfulness. That’s why I invented the popular bar game “I Got a Guy” and why I love the song “Lips of an Angel” by NickelCreed.

The gist of “I Got a Guy” is that you have to be in a bar with your friends and find the worst person in the bar. It’s a game of one-upmanship and a celebration of human awfulness. When you see a real scumbag you say, “I got a guy,” and show your find to the other players. Their goal is to find a worse person. It’s excellent at dive bars and karaoke establishments. Does it sound like fun? Because it is.

Well, this ‘Love’ is dedicated to my fellow Whip columnists, Josh Spector and Mike Burns.

Spector, you see, once met up with me at a horrible dive/karaoke bar while I was still living in Chicago and found the greatest “I Got a Guy” winner of all time. When Josh pointed him out to me, I wasn’t sure he topped my front-runner. The guy had a rattail, a hooded sweatshirt and Pittsburgh Steelers Zubaz on. Terrible, yes. But I still wasn’t sure he would top the guy I had at the time.

Right as I was about explain why his guy didn’t win, Spector’s dude grabbed the microphone and launched into the most horrible rendition of Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” to ever be sung at a karaoke establishment. We had a winner.

Fast forward to yesterday. You should know that my love for “Lips of an Angel” by NickelCreed is also held by my pal and fellow Whip columnist, Mike Burns. It’s been an inside joke of ours for a while now.

Yesterday, Burns posted a video comment on my MySpace page with a 35-year-old man who goes by the YouTube handle, JefferyCMusic, singing “Lips of an Angel” to a digital camera. Burns comment to go along with the clip just said, “This guy wins.” That he does.

Upon further investigation of JefferyCMusic’s YouTube page, the man has just under 200 different songs he’s recorded (including a killer “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger), which include dedications-by-request. Holy fucking shit is this guy awesome. I immediately sent him a few requests of my own.

So thank you to Mike Burns. And Spector, I GOT A GUY!

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his hatred of Hillary Clinton and his love for Weird Al, as well as his hatred of Andy Rooney and love of babes. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Love/Hate With Brido: Weird Al and Hillary Clinton

Josh Spector — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:41:00 +0000

Love: Weird Al Yankovic

Maybe the ‘Love’ should say “Admitting You Like Weird Al Yankovic”. I recently had a discussion with a comedian who has his own television show. We were talking about how he’s sick of doing interviews and having to name Bill Hicks and Monty Python as his influences. That’s a weird ‘problem’ to have. But then we started talking about Weird Al Yankovic. How come nobody ever names him in their influences? I think I would have to.

Weird Al might have been my first introduction to comedy. Fat Boys “Crushin’” was the first casette tape I ever bought. But then I went on a rampage and bought every Weird Al tape he ever released until 1992, when I was in sixth grade and Nirvana came along and told me I wasn’t cool.

Weird Al Yankovic was my introduction to irreverence, parody, polka, Hawaiian shirts and even the Rolling Stones (through “The Hot Rocks Polka” on the UHF Soundtrack). I can’t sit here and pretend my comedic influences were from sneaking in to my dad’s record collection and dusting off an old Bill Hicks album and listening to him rant about Republicans and smoking. I wouldn’t have given a shit. I was going to the shitty mall in Muscatine, Iowa to Musicland or Wal-Mart and buying Weird Al tapes.

I suppose it’s really uncool to say Weird Al is an influence, and that’s fine. Honesty isn’t always cool.

Hate: Hillary Clinton

Is it a cliché Republican-circa-1996 thing to do to hate Hillary Clinton? Probably. But, fuck it. I seriously can’t stand her. It’s Super Tuesday and this big time political insider is predicting an unwanted Hillary victory. And that’s terrible.
Her voice sounds like somebody is doing an impression of an annoying woman. Not voting for Obama is so racist, America. SO racist.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his hatred of Andy Rooney and love of babes, and his hatred of Mike Huckabee and his love for school-skipping Mexican kids. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Love/Hate With Brido: Andy Rooney & Babes

Josh Spector — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 08:10:00 +0000

Love/Hate Update

Two weeks ago, I came on here and said that my ‘Hate’ was Mike Huckabee. Since then, I’ve had even more fun despising him. Here’s your first ever Love/Hate with Brido update…

I saw Mike Huckabee campaigning in one of the other primaries or caucuses, and he was on stage. Behind Huckabee was Chuck Norris, and behind Norris was a kid with downs syndrome in a cowboy hat. I loved that because it was a weird Russian doll scenario of ascending intelligence. Now I know what one of them looks like in a cowboy hat, as a karate guy and when they run for president.

Now, for this week’s Love/Hate…

Hate: Andy Rooney

Until about a week ago, I thought Andy Rooney and Mickey Rooney were brothers. I thought they were brothers my entire life. Mickey Rooney isn’t his real name. It’s Joseph Yule, Jr. I guess I just assumed that since they were both around the same age and had the same last name that they were bros. They’re not even related.

I had such little faith in Andy Rooney’s ‘talent’ as a CBS op/ed newsman that I figured Mickey hooked him up with the gig when he was the biggest star in the world. Now I really have no idea why Andy Rooney has a career at all.

He recently did a piece about what people in New York carry around in their bags. Women tended to have day planners and bottles of water. He came to the, oh-so-witty conclusion that women were PLANNING on (get this) drinking WATER. Terrible.

Another thing Andy noticed was that New Yorkers had books in their bags. Andy presumed that people were reading books instead of working during company time. Apparently Andy has never heard of the concept of riding a train to work and wanting to have something to do besides sit there like a creep with big white Andy Rooney rape eyebrows. I don’t know what rape eyebrows are either. I just hate the guy. He’s the worst.

I seriously thought that some sort of nepotism surrounding the white-hot career of Mickey Rooney landed Andy that coveted spot complaining about ridiculous shit on “60 Minutes,” one of the most-watched programs in the history of the world. In another recent show, Andy talked about all the things he would do if he were rich.

Ready for this big reveal? Here goes… He’d get his shirts dry-cleaned more. And he wouldn’t bend down to pick up loose change anymore.

Holy fucking shit! Let’s put this old bag of turds on television to blow our minds with his dry-cleaning wishes and change-abandoning dreams. Come on, man. Talk about chinchilla fur toilet paper and monkey butlers and fur coats made out of them rape brows. You’re on the goddamned television talking into a boom microphone with a camera pointed at your face. Sound too insane to be shit he’d actually say? Let’s see, here’s some of my favorite Rooney dimes…

“I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today’s baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me.”

“The word Negro, perfectly good word. It’s a strong word and a good word. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

In 1992, he wrote a column about how silly it was for Native Americans to get upset about team names like the Redskins. “The real problem is, we took the country away from the Indians, they want it back and we’re not going to give it to them. We feel guilty and we’ll do what we can for them within reason, but they can’t have their country back. Next question.”

I’ll only feel bad if he dies this week or something.

Love: Babes

I just saw Cindy Crawford in a commercial for Meaningful Beauty or something like that. I’ll be damned if she still isn’t the best-looking woman on the planet. I really enjoyed looking at her. She’s a real babe. And I love babes. Right fellas? Babes.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his hatred of Mike Huckabee and his love for school-skipping Mexican kids. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Love/Hate With Brido: Mike Huckabee and School Skipping Mexican Kids

Josh Spector — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 09:06:00 +0000

Hi. I’m Mike Bridenstine. And I’m real opinionated. Often about really dumb stuff.

Sometimes it’ll be about the election or something I try to do to make myself seem intelligent or interested. But it’ll mostly be minutia. But this week it’s both.

Here’s who I Love and Hate this week…

HATE: MIKE HUCKABEE

I’m sorry, but this election has got me hooked.

As of deadline time, Mike Huckabee is hot off his Iowa Caucus victory and is leading the pack for the Republican nomination for the Presidency. Here’s the thing — Mike Huckabee is a gigantic dipshit.

Huckabee got the evangelical vote in Iowa. He’s a Born Again Christian who believes in Adam and Eve, and Jesus Christ, and all that other ridiculous nonsense. I watched his victory speech from Iowa and wanted so badly for him to say, “This is one of the best days in all 6,000 years of the Earth!”

America probably doesn’t need a leader whose world view would be blown if he picked up an elementary school science textbook. Huckabee once said, “If anybody wants to believe they’re the descendants of a primate, they’re welcome to do it.”

Thanks, you crazy fucking retard, humans ARE primates. Get a dictionary and have someone read it to you. Also, I read that in 1992 Mike Huckabee also apparently wanted to make all the people living with AIDS go to a confined place, away from society. So if he had his way, not only would people not believe in evolution, there would also be AIDS Town.

And people are campaigning for this guy.

But in a brilliant strategic move, Huckabee found out that big karate star Chuck Norris was also a Born Again Christian. I highly doubt that’s something you can find on ChuckNorrisFacts.com. Anyway, Huckabee and Norris did an online ad together that people were talking about like it was political genius. Newsweek would blow the ad if it could. Does it matter to nobody that Chuck Norris Facts were big in like, 2005? The guy’s in a Mountain Dew commercial for Chrissakes. That shit’s over. Shark. Jumped.

But if you’ve watched the ad, you noticed Mike Huckabee says the following lines:

“There’s no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. Only another fist.”

And, “When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up. He’s pushing the Earth down.”

The sad thing is, I’m convinced Huckabee believes both of those lines he said. He probably actually thinks Chuck Norris moves the planet when he does pushups and has a fist for a chin. There’s nothing crazier about those beliefs than believing in big Noah floods and AIDS towns.

And the chief export of Chuck Norris isn’t pain. It’s believing that there should be Bible study in public schools. I’ve got a few Mike Huckabee Facts instead. I’ll just change a few existing Chuck Norris Facts to make it relevant and truthful.

Guns don’t kill people. Mike Huckabee is a moron.

Mike Huckabee does not sleep. He’s retarded.

Mike Huckabee has two speeds. Dumb and Bible.

If you have five dollars and Mike Huckabee has five dollars, Mike Huckabee gets an old karate guy to make himself seem cool to Christians.

Mike Huckabee doesn’t have a beard. But if he did, there wouldn’t be a chin under his beard. There would only be another human brain working at the intelligence level of a mentally retarded girl.

LOVE: THAT MEXICAN KID WHO GLUED HIMSELF TO HIS BED SO HE DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

I was having a real shitty day until I read about this kid. Not much to the story.

“I didn’t want to go, the holidays were so much fun,” said lil’ Diego Palacios (10) of Monterrey, Mexico.

I didn’t know Mexico had glue. Or schools. But I am enjoying the sweet combo.

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.