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Love/Hate With Brido: England, Hollywood, & JefferyCMusic

Josh Spector — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 08:06:00 +0000

Hate: England (1485-1603) AND Hollywood (2007-Present)

I recently did a week-long tour of Jolly Olde England. During the trip, I visited the site of the Battle of Bosworth Field, where in 1485 Henry Tudor (Henry VII) defeated Richard III to end the War of the Roses and begin the Tudor Dynasty. I knew nothing about it at the time. Because who knows anything about English history?
Then, on the plane ride home, I watched Elizabeth: The Golden Age as the in-flight movie. When I got home, The Other Boleyn Girl was out in the theater and ads for Showtime’s big series, The Tudors, warranted a DVD rental of the first season.

The Tudors, who reigned England from 1485-1603, are currently big business in Hollywood. People can’t seem to get enough of Elizabeth I, Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn and all of Henry’s five other wives. It’s high drama with battles, manipulation and (on Showtime) lots and lots of tits and fucking.

Why do I hate it?

Because now I’m on Wikipedia for hours at a time trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s like a super gay soap opera that happened 500 years ago, and reading up on it is like getting spoilers for that gay soap opera.

I was watching The Tudors yesterday with the gal, and found myself blurting out interesting factoids about what would happen to Cardinal Wolsey, Sir Thomas More and Thomas Cromwell during the English Reformation.

I’m not a history buff. I’m a nerd who skipped ahead and read spoilers on Wikipedia, my new default spoiler fanboy site that tells me all the dirt on what’ll happen to all these fancily-dressed characters. You got me, Hollywood. And I hate you for it.

Love: JefferyCMusic

I appreciate awfulness. That’s why I invented the popular bar game “I Got a Guy” and why I love the song “Lips of an Angel” by NickelCreed.

The gist of “I Got a Guy” is that you have to be in a bar with your friends and find the worst person in the bar. It’s a game of one-upmanship and a celebration of human awfulness. When you see a real scumbag you say, “I got a guy,” and show your find to the other players. Their goal is to find a worse person. It’s excellent at dive bars and karaoke establishments. Does it sound like fun? Because it is.

Well, this ‘Love’ is dedicated to my fellow Whip columnists, Josh Spector and Mike Burns.

Spector, you see, once met up with me at a horrible dive/karaoke bar while I was still living in Chicago and found the greatest “I Got a Guy” winner of all time. When Josh pointed him out to me, I wasn’t sure he topped my front-runner. The guy had a rattail, a hooded sweatshirt and Pittsburgh Steelers Zubaz on. Terrible, yes. But I still wasn’t sure he would top the guy I had at the time.

Right as I was about explain why his guy didn’t win, Spector’s dude grabbed the microphone and launched into the most horrible rendition of Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” to ever be sung at a karaoke establishment. We had a winner.

Fast forward to yesterday. You should know that my love for “Lips of an Angel” by NickelCreed is also held by my pal and fellow Whip columnist, Mike Burns. It’s been an inside joke of ours for a while now.

Yesterday, Burns posted a video comment on my MySpace page with a 35-year-old man who goes by the YouTube handle, JefferyCMusic, singing “Lips of an Angel” to a digital camera. Burns comment to go along with the clip just said, “This guy wins.” That he does.

Upon further investigation of JefferyCMusic’s YouTube page, the man has just under 200 different songs he’s recorded (including a killer “Sister Christian” by Night Ranger), which include dedications-by-request. Holy fucking shit is this guy awesome. I immediately sent him a few requests of my own.

So thank you to Mike Burns. And Spector, I GOT A GUY!

Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his hatred of Hillary Clinton and his love for Weird Al, as well as his hatred of Andy Rooney and love of babes. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.

Dan Bialek vs. America: Why People Don’t Do Tours Like This

Josh Spector — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:19:00 +0000

I UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY DO TOURS LIKE THIS

First off, I want to apologize to Josh Spector and any of the other people that help him run the Whip It Out website and blog. I haven’t turned in an article in over 3 weeks. And for that I am remorseful, but it’s not without good reason.

In the past three weeks I have been from Los Angeles to Aberdeen, Washington and back. I’ve crashed my car into a snow bank on the Donner Pass outside Reno, Nevada, dealt with the racist, drunk, angry, cripple, insane and obese masses from here to Birmingham, Alabama and back. I’ve had my video camera stolen in Louisiana, had a married woman try to instigate a three-way between herself and my best friend while driving drunk in a town with no zip code, and even fought that same best friend on a stranger’s lawn in Texas later on that leg of the trip. I’ve paid to fly home two separate comedians in lieu of putting them in the hospital or grave. I’ve played shows for crowds of 250 people and sole tables of 2.5 people (a person who passed out in their own vomit only counts as a .5 in my book).

I’ve spent hundreds of dollars more than I thought this tour was going to cost me. And I’ve made far, far less than that in ticket and CD sales.

It’s been sort of a nightmare.

Now, every time I get an email or come across a local comedian who tells me that he’s got a “solid hour-and-forty-five minutes” and that he or she is getting ready to set up his or her own tour and do the same kind of thing I’m doing I just pat them on the shoulder and smile.

Good luck. Bring a gun, a Bible and a shovel. You’re going to need at least one, if not all three, before the first week is finished.

Especially the gun.

America is a heavily armed, dumb, and violent country.

However, to show that it isn’t all bad out there on the road (and that sometimes it is) I’ve been making little tour vlog movies and putting them up on YouTube as evidence of things that I’ll either forget or neglect to write down later.

Enjoy.

Here’s video of me before our first show in Santa Cruz, CA with a fan named Will who found us the venue even though he wasn’t legally old enough to get in to the show.

Here’s my best friend, comedian Sean Crespo, describing a swarm of 10,000+ birds that circled our car for over 20 minutes over the plains of Northern Texas.

Here’s a video of the hundreds (literally) of deer that nearly leapt in front of my car and killed us early one morning on the way to Austin, Texas.

Here’s the video I made two days later after me and Crespo tried to kill each other with our fists on a stranger’s lawn in Texas.

Here’s a video I made in a Louisiana parking lot minutes after Myspace, completely unprovoked, deleted my main profile account for the third time since the Southwest leg of the tour started.

Here’s a video of me barking door-to-door in San Marcos, Texas after the kid who invited us down flaked on promoting the show had actually moved 25 miles away while we were driving out to show from California.

And finally here’s a short video tour of all of the bargains that you’ll find if you ever find yourself in a Texas station gift shop. If you ever go to New Mexico, the gas stations there sell nunchucks [sic]. Of course they do.

Tune in two weeks from now when I fail to turn anything in and then turn in another dispatch from the two road two weeks after that.

Dan Bialek can be reached through his website Danvsamerica.com. If you’d like him to come to your town, put on a comedy show, and fight one of his friends in your front yard, please email him at shows@danvsamerica.com. He has previously written about the secrets to indie comedy touring and why he started this tour in the first place.