Howdy Bonding Hormone,

Are you guys done escaping your own problems by participating in the frenzy of Michael Jackson’s death? No, ok. I’ll wait for you.

Tick tock tick tock tick…(silence).

Hey! My Grandfather Clock just died of old age. Now THAT deserves some attention. I’ll video blog about it, get 9 viewers and surrender to Michael’s infamy.

Lets move on to Lucy Goosey and escape into her problems to escape MJ. Try it. Do it. I dare you. I double dog dare your ass. What? NO, I didn’t say your ass reminds me of two dogs. You never listen.

Here we go…

Dear Amber,

Hi crazy lady, can you please answer this?

I’ve been dating a guy for about two months. We’ve been sleeping together for the past month. Sometimes it feels like we are a monogamous couple, and other times it doesn’t. I asked him if he considered us “a couple.” He said he didn’t like labels, that he really likes me, and wants to keep seeing me so we can learn more about each other.

We have plans to see each other this week. Now what do I do? I didn’t really get an answer. I really like this guy, but I can walk away now and it wouldn’t be that painful. Or, should I relax and see what happens? Am I being clingy and needy?

HELP!

Thanks,
Lucy Goosey

Hi Lucy Goosey,

Your name reminds me of both an old lady’s vagina and the way I live my life – I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. Thanks for writing in.

It totally blows, as a woman, being in the gray area. I just re-read that sentence and I thought I wrote, “It totally blows women in the gray area.” I got grossed out for a second, but I’m over it.

Ok. First of all, I think it’s awesome that you brought it up and were honest about your feelings. Sometimes women will keep their mouths shut about how they feel and build up a huge resentment toward the guy, then act like a crazy person a few months down the road and the relationship ends with the guy saying, “She was a crazy bitch, a
dramatic nut job, I couldn’t take it.”

It’s because women pretend to be cool, the “laid back, whatever girl” – when deep down their insides are burning with confusion and turmoil and maybe massive gas if she
eats a lot of cabbage. It’s much wiser to be honest and upfront when the feeling arises, even if it annoys him.

You are letting him put his penis in your hole – he should give back by communicating like an adult. If he can’t handle it, make him an ex and move onto the next. BOOM.

He said he didn’t like “labels.” Did he get that from a Hollywood blockbuster romantic comedy or some other crap attack format? What does that even mean? You can label this relationship, “WE LIKE EACH OTHER A LOT, RIGHT?” or “EFF YOU I’M JUST USING YOU,” or “YOU’LL DO FOR NOW, I DON’T HATE YOU,” and it wouldn’t matter in the end.

Ok, maybe those labels would matter. They are awful. But, I think when it comes down to it, a “label” isn’t going to make or break the relationship – your actions will. But it’s important to verbalize a concern so action can take place.

Are you being clingy and needy? Absolutely not. But, tread lightly Goosey, you might be a little confused as to if you even really want to be in a relationship with this guy because sex is involved.

When a lady has an orgasm with a dude – she releases a hormone called Oxytocin, the same hormone that is released during childbirth. It causes women to bond, to nurture and to connect. That’s why so many women stay with jackhole-loser-dickwads – because they are sleeping with them. They know he’s a bag of badness, but they can’t seem to drop him. She’s been genetically wired to “love” him thanks to Oxytocin.

I’ve had relationships with guys I despised, but I kept sleeping with them even though it caused me emotional turmoil (this was back when I was a drunk idiot, now I’m just an idiot). I’d even write out a pros and cons list to help with my twisted logic.

Check this list out. I wrote it when I was on and off with a guy for about a year and when I was drinking like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, except I was staying in Los Angeles and my name is Amber Tozer.

THE BOYFRIEND CHECKLIST

Pros:

• He texts me everyday.

• He buys me 9 vodka gimlets every time I see him.

• Sometimes he’ll put “xoxo” at the end of an email.

• I love the way his arms swing when he walks. He looks like a monkey and I like it.

Cons:

• He’s an alcoholic and a pothead.

• He never asks me questions about my life (or anything).

• He has a limp bone when he’s drunk and I feel sorry for him.

• When we do have sex – it’s like “eh” and I feel sorry for myself.

• He’s obsessed with how many friends he has on MySpace (not Facebook).

• He has nothing to say when he’s sober.

• He’s never sober so he never shuts the eff up.

I’m going to label this guy “LOW STANDARDS.” I almost can’t believe I put myself through that, but if I hadn’t slept with this guy, he probably would have just been someone fun to get drunk with. BUT, since we kept sleeping with each other, the Oxytocin (and booze and insecurity) made me want to bond with him and his monkey arms.

And, he really did have A LOT of friends on MySpace, I was secretly proud of him. He was a monkey on MySpace! I should have shoved a banana in one of his holes and left a comment on his page about it.

My point is, just be careful with the sex. As long as you keep sleeping with this guy, you are always going to want more than a casual dating situation, whether you think he’s right for you or not.

I say give him some time to process your needs and see how you feel the next time you see him. He’s not a bad guy just because he didn’t say “Yes, I want to be with you and only you. We are a couple. You are perfect.”

He probably has his own emotional crap going, so cut him some sack slack.

You can always stop riding his rod, the Oxytocin will leave your body and you’ll either be like, “Wow, this guy is a farty fagball, why was I so into him?” Or, you’ll be like, “Wow, this guy is pretty cool and I hope it works out.”

Or, you might realize that you are a lesbian and finger blast a lady and love it. You never know. Planet Earth, it’s where humans have to figure shit out.

Peace,
Amber

Related posts:

1. Ask Amber: Introductions
2. Ask Amber: 101 Asses, Craigslist, and Rape
3. Ask Amber: Sexy Seacrest And Bitchy Ladies

Howdy Swines,

Before I dish advice, I need to tell everyone about a sex dream I had.

Ok, so get this. The other night I dreamt I went to the doctor. I was sitting on a table wearing the paper-towel robe thing, and in walks a VERY confident Ryan Seacrest. HE was my doctor. In my brain I was like, “Of course!”

He told me to lie down on the table and then immediately climbed on top of me, in the 69 position. But, for whatever reason his crotch wasn’t in my face. I had no idea where his little body went, but his face was upside down in my vagina crack and that was good enough for me. I guess it looked more like a 60 position, or a number that
doesn’t have the bottom part of the 9. Ugh I hate math.

Yeah, so he’s down there giving me the best tongue-down I have ever had in my entire
life. I couldn’t believe it and I was so thankful. I was like, “I have the best doctor in the world and I don’t even have health insurance, I love America…n Idol.”

Then he got up and whispered in my ear, “You are going to be fine.” I sure was. I left in a complete state of euphoria. I called my friends and told them about the star-studded vagina party.

But, here’s where it get weird.

I wasn’t telling them my doctor was Ryan Seacrest, I was telling them it was Ron Jeremy. BARF ON A PILE OF BARF!

After a few calls I realized I was making a tiny body/huge cock mix up. I was like
“Damn, it was Ryan not Ron! I have to re-brag. No one is going to believe me.”

I was soooo upset. I couldn’t believe I had told everyone it was Ron, the guy who probably invented Swine Flu. I was in shock over my mistake. Then I woke up, ripped a tender fart under the blankets, laughed and tuned into Kiss FM.

Life is weird when your farts are tender. Lets get to a question!

Dear Amber,

Does Ask Amber still exist? I haven’t seen your stuff online lately!

If you can help me with this I’d appreciate it. I work with a bunch of passive aggressive women and I’m getting caught up in the drama. I’m trying to be diplomatic, but we all gossip, exaggerate and backstab.

I’m really aware that I can be doing a much better job when stuff gets heated, but we are all awful to each other. My boss is the worst, she’s really aggressive and defensive and doesn’t do her job until the crap hits the fan. She’s dramatic and makes stupid suggestions that would actually hurt the company. I really want to tell her how I feel, but I like this job and need it.

Any suggestions on how I can approach her and deal with this drama?

Thanks,
Angie

Hi Angie!

Thanks for writing in, and lucky for you ASK AMBER does exist. I’ve been busy traveling around the world speaking at Advice Column Conferences and pitching my new-age dildo design called the STICK IT IN YOUR CRACK AND FOCUS ON YOUR FUTURE. Fingers crossed (but not while you have a dildo in your hand).

Anyway – on to you and the dramarama-dingdong with the other dames in work place! It’s a shame women get competitive, catty, sneaky, dramatic, vengeful, emotional, stupid and fat. Women would rule the world if our instincts didn’t tell us to sabotage each other.

It goes back to the basics of survival, back to the caveman days. Women had to compete against each other in order to keep a man around, otherwise their cavemen would have just left them in a cave with the babies to starve to death. I’m sure there was a time when a cavewoman thought her man was out hunting for food when, actually, he was banging the witch doctor with the crazy hair-do in the cave over the hill. And it all happened because the cavewoman didn’t stone that witch to death in the first place.

So, it’s in our DNA to scratch and claw our way around bitches that tread in our territory. It’s really sad because women are gifted in ways that could benefit the universe immensely, but we spend a lot our energy bringing each other down to the ground so we feel confident and secure about our status. When, the truth of the matter is, we are all gonna die someday so who gives a crap? Just be nice.

Off track a bit cos that’s how I roll, this is my highway I don’t pay tolls, if I had bigger boobs I might work a pole, nah- I’m sober don’t even smoke bowls, I’m even nice to fat people with lots of rolls, I should be on BRAVE NEW VOICES on HBO.

What?

Ok, your question had nothing to do with men, so lets move on. The good news is you sound super aware of the situation at work and your intentions seem nice. Your boss probably knows that she sucks an ass from San Diego to some crap town in Florida and is self-conscious about the fact that she sucks ass for so many miles. That’s why she
goes bananas when something goes wrong, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, out of context but f- you!

Sorry, I’m a lady and need to get mad at you because you’re a lady too. Lets party and pretend we like each other.

Ok. Try taking the following steps and see what happens:

1. Get the rage out of your body by doing something like; kickboxing, rough sex, confession, rough sex in a confession booth, catching the Swine Flu and realizing that you take your health for granted, throwing a pie at your bosses face and saying “Oh, sorry I thought we were at the circus you dirty clown!,” etc.

2. Talk to trusted co-worker about the situation, preferably a man who doesn’t give a crap about your problem, but wants to have sex with you. He will at least pretend to be sympathetic and it’ll be nice to vent to someone who’s fantasizing about ripping your clothes off while you scream his name. THEN scream his name when you’re done venting – just to see what he does.

3. Write a brutally honest letter to your boss and send it to your mom. When your mom asks you about it, tell her to mind her own business.

End of suggestions.

Angie, you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can shape it, by changing your behavior. I know the stuff I wrote is silly, but just take the high road, focus on your work and you’ll be fine. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there will always be bitches, assholes, whack jobs, twat farts, sons of bees, and whiney faces in your life.

And, who knows – maybe some people think you are one or more of the awful things I just listed. Just keep your perspective in check and have a nice day.

Oooohhh. I’m so happy Ask Amber is back. I’m a little rusty and I blame it on my new dildo design (takes time). I’m straight edge, so I can’t blame it on the a a a a a alcohol. I hate that song, but I like to sing it to obnoxious drunks.

Adios, readers. Cover up your face holes around any swine, especially Ron Jeremy.

Peace,
Amber

Related posts:

1. Ask Amber: Introductions
2. Ask Amber: Beware Of Hormones
3. Ask Amber: 101 Asses, Craigslist, and Rape