Comedy.com sent me, Tricia McAlpin, to Ikea on a very special mission: to pick up men for Comedy gold. Surely a guy who loves Swedish design and affordable prices would appreciate my unconventional choice of macking location. I scoured the store and used each and everyone of my man-baiting techniques. Check out the results below.
The Living Room Department
First up, the couches. A guy sitting alone on a couch with nothing to do? He is target number one! I slipped right in there and worked my magic!
Me: Pretty comfy couch.
Guy: (no response)
Me: Wanna… test it out? Just kidding, just kidding.
Guy: (closed his eyes and pretended to be sleeping)
Fail number one. This hipster was having nothing to do with me. I’m going to go ahead and blame the harsh lighting in the living room section and not the fact that my left thigh was three times the size of his. Lucky for me, Ikea is f*cking huge, so one little speedbump wasn’t going to slow me down!
The Kitchen Department
Next up: the kitchen section. Guys love a lady who can cook right? I got a little naughty here and tried some role playing.
Me: This will work great for all my cookies.
Red Hat Guy: (stared intently at spatula)
Me: Awesome spatula. Hey, you could flip over my cookies with that. Know what I mean?
Red Hat Guy: (still obsessed with spatula, totally ignored me)
Me: Cookies means boobs!
Then Red Hat Guy’s wife came over, shot me a dirty look and dragged him off towards bedding. Fail number two. Suddenly I had the realization that most guys come to Ikea with their significant others and not flying solo drenched in Axe body spray, the way I like them. I had to change up my strategy, get creative.
The Table Display Area
Then it came to me. What’s the coolest thing to do in Ikea? Making fun of the weirdly named furniture pieces! I guess it might be a little offensive to the Scandinavian culture, but there aren’t any Swedes in Burbank, right? So I found an absurdly named dining table and tried out my hilarious bit on a guy looking at a lamp nearby.
Me: Bjursta? What a weird word right?
Lamp Guy: Excuse me?
Me: Bjursta! So many consonants! Why not call it a table, am I right?
Lamp Guy: Hmm. (walked away)
The Cafe
I’m not gonna lie. I thought about giving up. I was defeated, embarrassed, hungry. Hungry! That’s it! The cafe! The cafe would be a sure thing right? What guy, upon seeing a girl eating a plate of Swedish meatballs alone, would not instantly approach her and introduce himself? Well… apparently no guys. The dudes in this cafe were way too busy looking at assembly directions, talking on their phones and pushing around their baby strollers.
Me: What an adorable baby! Too young to eat meatballs huh?
Hot Young Dad: Yeah.
Me: I really respect single Dads.
Hot Young Dad: My wife is downstairs returning a shelf.
Two sodas later I was feeling pretty bummed out and also wondering what the Swedish word for bathroom was (FYI ladies, it’s badrummet). I was left with only one more option, the warehouse. I was really out of my element down there. And to make matters worse, was getting pretty claustrophobic from the lack of windows. Then I had an idea…
The Warehouse
All guys love a damsel in distress right? So, I headed down the dresser aisle and pulled the classic “reaching for something really high up so why don’t you help me and then take me to Chipotle after” routine.
Me: Ugh I can’t reach!
Random Men Around Me: (no response)
Me: Oh man, I’m on my tippy toes!
Random Men Around Me: (no response)
Me: If only I wasn’t so, so single!
Then the stupid “Malm” fell down and hit my foot and I got the hell out of there.
If you like this check out “Real World: Ikea” and new new fun game “Ikea or Social Networking Site.”
This post was written by Tricia McAlpin who thinks Ikea sucks for meeting guys. Ladies, just stick to bars and dentist offices. Chances are if a guy is at Ikea he is taken, gay or too cranky to get any sort of fun dialogue going. The meatballs are so good though it’s sort of worth the trip and the demoralization.
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