It’s that time of the month. We mean it’s the time to laugh about the crazy things that women are putting in their vaginas (male members excluded). Feminine hygiene isn’t so much an art (unless you’re the dude who runs the Museum of Menstruation) as it is an ongoing experiment… an ongoing experiment with your hoo hoo.
Some experiments work better than others, and some, well, they just really creep us out. Ladies, if your man absolutely refuses to go to the store to buy you tampons, show him some of these, and remind him just how much more embarrassing it could really be. Here are the 20 Creepiest Feminine Hygiene Products we could find.
BONUS LINK: The 25 Funniest Stripper Pictures
20. Pretty Printed Pads
Yeah, we’ve been around ladies on their periods enough to know it’s going to take a lot more than a fun print pattern rubbing against their junk to cheer them up. Plus, they got the camouflage all wrong for this environment.
19. Pubic Hair Dye
Are ladies self-conscious enough to worry that dudes will notice that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes? Yeah, probably. (Thanks American media.) Well, ladies, if a dude is down there and is commenting about the color of your pubic roots, rest assured, he’s mostly just disappointed that you don’t have a penis.
18. The German Lady Bag
The bag itself is perfectly functional, and a good idea. The Germans are known to go a little overboard, though. Put your used tampons in here or DIEEEEEEEEEE!
17. Marvel Whirling Spray
Behold, the finest in early 20th century douchery. This baby promised a hurricane in your junk.
16. The Sea Sponge Tampon
Never, ever listen to hippies tell you what to do with your junk. If you’re going to put a squishy dead animal inside you, at least let it be some guy you brought home from the bar.
15. Naughty Nads Bikini Design Kit
Pubic topiaries are all the rage this year!
14. Fresca Powder
Two words that do not belong together are “douche” and “powder.” After applying, you have to clap your hands, and throw some douche powder in the air, just like Lebron James does.
13. Butt Bleach
Do blonde butts have more fun?
12. The Va J-J Visor
This looks like it’s made from a leftover part from a hockey goalie’s protective gear. That’s sort of true. It’s to protect your junk, from razors and errant pucks, obviously.
11. The Anti-Panti
So, you hate wearing panties, but you also want to wear your jeans more than one day before washing? These fabric dots attach to the inside of your pants, and protect them from getting, uh, slimed. Stop reading this, and go wash your junk, right now.
10. Hello Kitty Douche
The list of inappropriate Hello Kitty products is almost endless. Of course, there’s a Hello Kitty-branded douche. Why wouldn’t there be?
9. 69 Wipes
It’s a sexy baby wipe, is all it is. When you’re in the heat of passion, but you forgot to shower, whip out one of these. You’ll taste just like strawberry incense. Yep, go wash your junk again.
8. Crocheted Tampons
Just like grandma used to make for you! Collect enough of these, and you can crochet them all into a couch cover.
7. The Bikini Line Genie
This works much like the visor, but this one’s a lot more aerodynamic. You just stick it on, and shave it up. If you need to shave your junk in under 30 seconds, is it really even worth it?
6. The Tampon Stun Gun
It may look like a non-threatening tampon, but this applicator has some sting to it. It probably works pretty well, considering that your attacker would be laughing so hard that you were pointing a tampon at him, that he would be distracted while you go for the stun.
5. Homemade Menstrual Pads
Oh, the things you can find on Etsy. They’ve got these things with any pattern you can imagine. You just wash them, and reuse them. After a few uses, you’ll never crave cupcakes, again.
4. Women’s Pee Funnels
It’s pretty awesome to be able to pee standing up, and to write your name in the snow. On the other hand, carrying your used pee funnel around in your purse has to be pretty awesome, too.
3. Tampon Plushie Dolls
Hooray for periods! We want to hug and squeeze them! (We’ve actually encountered a few women who could use these as tampons).
2. The Menstrual Cup
The menstrual cup was very popular in the 1930s, and still exists, but only hippies use them now. They probably drink shots out of them when they’re not in use, too. Junk washing time, again!
1. The Lysol Douche
This is one of those experiments that must have failed miserably. Lysol, the same Lysol you clean your house with, used to encourage women to flush their junk with it! Follow it up with some Murphy’s Oil Soap, to give your vagina that fresh pine scent!
Continue to hate your body with the 10 Worst Celebrity Boob Jobs and the 10 Worst Celebrity Lip Jobs.
This post was written by Steve Gifford, whose pubes are trimmed in the shape of a swan.
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