Looking for a career change in this tough economy? How about becoming one of the world’s unsung heroes? The strip club DJ. You rarely ever see the guy, but he’s the voice in your head at (almost every) strip club, across the land. As we learned, he’s the guy that makes the whole place run. It may look easy, but that guy works hard for his money. He’s part personality, part tech guy, but mostly, he’s a diplomat. There are courses you can take that promise to teach you how to become a strip club DJ in 30 days or less, but we’re skeptical. So, we decided to sit down with a master at work. You should also start working on growing your goatee. It’s the official look of the strip club DJ. Also, work on going bald.
“The Ultimate Look for the Strip Club DJ”
We found a guy who loves his job. He really, really loves his job. We sat down with one of the DJs at Cheetahs, one of the hottest strip clubs in Hollywood. Actually, it’s a bikini bar, but we’re a work-safe site, after all. He’s been DJing at strip clubs since 1989, which means he’s been DJing in strip clubs long enough to see girls dance to Vanilla Ice seriously, and dance to Vanilla Ice ironically. That’s a long time! Kids born the night Billy Maurizio started DJing will be old enough to go see him DJing next year. (We’re guessing that’s a stage name, since his parents don’t know he does this. He’s either hiding from his parents or the IRS). On with the Q&A. All you aspiring strip club DJs, get your notebooks handy.
Steve Gifford (your Comedy.com reporter): So, what did you do before you were a strip club DJ?
DJ Billy: I worked in hotels. (SG: Aha! Hotels are the gateway profession.) I went to a Christian high school. That influenced me to become an atheist. I’m also a Conservative. I didn’t vote for Obama. I believe in Conservative values.
SG: You hear that, Rush Limbaugh? So, Billy, how did you get into this?
DJ: I kind of fell into it. I snuck into a strip club when I was 17, I got my first lap dance, and it was all over from there. I started dating a 27-year-old stripper, and I worked all the clubs in Vegas, during the heyday. Now, the market is saturated, and people just sit at home and look for porn on the Internet.
SG: That’s exactly how most of our readers find us. So, what should they know they’re missing? What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen onstage?
DJ: I was working at one club, and the management didn’t attach the pole properly at the top, and this girl was swinging on the pole. Next thing you know, the pole broke, and she flies into the crowd. She fractured her ankle, and kicked out a guy’s tooth.
SG: Definitely can’t get that on the Internet. (You can see it, though.) Any more crazy stuff?
DJ: It doesn’t happen here, since it’s a bikini bar, but at a nude bar, I had a girl bend over and ask me if I could see her string. That was one of the telling moments that this wasn’t your everyday job.
SG: Eww. So, could you see it?
DJ: Thankfully, no.
SG: Now that that image is permanently burned into our brains, let’s switch gears. What our readers really want to know is, every strip club DJ is really the same guy, right?
DJ: There’s a formula, so there’s not too much shock value when girls bounce from club to club. Technically, we’re all the same guy. Anyone can do this part. Anyone can talk and play music. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is dealing with the girls, because some of them have many personalities. That’s why I bring candy, to try to keep the girls from bitching at me. (Sure enough, a dancer walks up right then, wanting some candy. Jolly Ranchers. He’s out of them. It’s going to be a rough night.)
“It Really Does Work”
DJ: One girl has three personalities. Two of them, you can deal with, and one is completely insane. I’m not dealing with Girl A, I’m dealing with Girl B, and Girl B is a b*tch. I don’t know how to deal with it. Candy doesn’t work.
SG: Is there a school where we can learn the strip club DJ voice?
DJ: I always wanted to start a school. I just learn it from other DJs, who learned it from other DJs. There’s a guy who started the voice, but I can’t tell you who the guy is. He’s the sensai. When you’re indoctrinated, there’s a ceremony at this ranch out in Rancho Cucamunga. People fly in from all over the world to get indoctrinated.
SG: One last question, since you’ve been doing this for so long. Are there any songs that you’re completely sick of playing?
DJ: I’m a huge 80s rock fan, but “Girls, Girls, Girls” has been totally jaded for me. I’m a huge Motley Crue fan, too. I love it and I hate it, at the same time. It’s the most overused song in all strip clubs.
SG: I would have guessed “I Touch Myself.” Well, that’s it for the questions. Thanks for your time.
DJ: Sure, and if the comedy writing thing doesn’t work it, you’re well on your way toward a new career.
SG: I’d better stock up on candy.
Strippers are amazing. Check out these 8 Worst Stripper Costume Ideas and 10 Awesome Fictional Strip Clubs.
This post was written by Steve Gifford, who can’t see the string, either.
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