We’re looking for some good books for our September reading list. Not just any books, mind you, we want some hot, steamy smut novels, just like our grandmas used to read. What dirty magazines are to men, smut novels have been to women. If you’ve ever read one of these things, they’re exactly like “Penthouse,” but with more descriptive words thrown in. Which tells us that women have far dirtier minds than men do. Men just need a picture of what’s going on. Women need a full three-chapter description.
We’ve dug through stacks and stacks of Harlequin novels, and we’ve found the best of the worst. Here are 10 Romance Novels We Would Buy Just For the Title.
10. “Personal Demon” by Kelley Armstrong
Yes, there is a whole subgenre of “supernatural” romance smut novels. From a description: Half chaos-craving demon, half-human tabloid reporter Hope Adams, who clandestinely works for a council of paranormal beings… You get the idea.
9. “Yule Be Mine” by Jennifer LaBrecque
Pun alert! Do ya get it? Do ya get it? At least it’s not “Yul Be Mine,” starring Yul Brenner.
8. “Bad Boys Over Easy” by Erin McCarthy
With any luck, this is part of a series. “Bad Boys Sunny Side Up,” “Bad Boys Hard Boiled,” and our favorite “Bad Boys Fried With A Side of Bacon.” Delicious!
7. “The Ruthless Magnate’s Virgin Mistress” By Lynne Graham
Either that’s an oxymoron, or the Ruthless Magnate isn’t so ruthless. If he was really that ruthless, he would have foreclosed on that virginity, by now.
6. “The Gold Plated Garbage Truck” by T. C. Allen
Here is an excerpt from the book. Wilbur sings like Pat Boon and Homer can make a guitar do everything but make coffee there’s hope for the future. Connie, Homer’s ex wife learns to enjoy “back door” sex and oral sex with Emily. Wilbur loves back door with Connie and Homer, with a tool that hits his knee when soft just enjoys sex. What else do these people need to live the good life? Yeah, we’re pretty sure a dude wrote this one.
5. “Naked in Death” by J.D. Robb
Yes! Finally! Zombie smut novels! We will casually caress her heaving… brains. Brains!
4. “Hotly Bedded, Conveniently Wedded” by Kate Hardy
If there’s one consistent formula in titling smut novels, it’s to put two conflicting ideas in sexy juxtaposition, separated by a comma. “Lustful Sheik, Reluctant Virgin.” “Rich Woman, Poor Gardener.” “Romance Novelist, Dignity.”
3. “Big Spankable Asses” by Lisa G. Riley, Angie Daniels and Kimberly Kay Terry
Simple, and to the point. Asses. Getting spanked. If that’s romance, then call us romantics.
2. “Hangin’ With My Window Man” by Carolina Valdez
Nothing like a little gay smut written by a woman to keep you warm on a rainy day. From the description: Boon discovers his craving for nude sex play with this man turns out not to be based on gratitude that Ryan saved his life, but out of love. Well, wash our windows, and call us “Daddy.”
1. “A Mother In the Making” by Lilian Darcy
If there’s room for pregnant porn, there’s room for pregnant smut. At least you can’t knock her up!
If you need more smut, there’s the 10 Unintentionally Funny Romance Novel Covers. Once all this smut gets you worked up to try and find a secret lover of your own, check out the 10 Strangest Dating Advice Books That Actually Exist.
This post was written by Steve Gifford, who only reads smut for the articles.
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