You thought you liked it kinky. You’ve got nothing on the animal kingdom. The animal planet out there is full of all kinds of weird, kinky sex. From animal orgies to S&M play, we’ve tracked down some of the weirdest, the coolest, and the kinkiest. There’s some really weird stuff we’ve never even thought of before, but might be worth a try. If our partner will go for it, of course give it a shot. Like the flatworms, we all know that sex is better after a good fight.
Next time a lady (or dude) says “let’s do it like animals,” you can be prepared with a whole new set of knowledge of what that might mean. Chances are, they’re thinking of two dogs stuck together. Impaling them with your barbed penis, now that sounds adventurous! There’s plenty more animal kinkiness, too.
10. Banggai Cardinalfish: A Man With A Mouthful Of Eggs
The Banggai Cardinalfish has it rough. The male gets to do all the breeding. When they’re ready to breed, the male will follow the female around, and she’ll drop her eggs into his mouth, and he just holds them there, for almost a month, without eating. What does the woman do? At the end, when the baby fishies swim out, she hangs out behind him, and eats them!
9. Honeybees Lose Their Penis During Sex, Then Die
It must really suck being a bee. You’ve got all of these cool things to sting things with, but they’ll kill you. Sting a human? Die. Mate with the queen with your barbed penis? Dead. Can’t a guy just have some fun?
8. The Anglerfish: Two Become One
People like to talk about becoming one, but for the Anglerfish, it’s a reality. Male Anglers can’t survive on their own, so they’ll attach to a female like a parasite, and just become one. So, females are never hard up. Whenever she needs some of that male Angler sperm, she knows where to find him. On her face!
7. The Hot, Lesbian Sex Of The Whiptail Lizard
There are no male whiptail lizards, so this is full on girl-on-girl action. No fence-riding bisexuals in this kingdom! Instead, the female lizards will reproduce by cloning, and they will mount other females, and simulate humping. Then, they will switch places. That is SO HOT.
6. A Barnacle And His Ginormous Penis
Most guys wish they could wrap their penis around their body. The barnacle can do just that: 50 times. Hey, they need it, too. They’re stuck in one place for their whole lives, so sometimes, you’ll need to send out a scout. And, by scout, we do mean their enormously long penis.
5. Giraffes Go For The Golden Shower
These long-necks do it real kinky-like. The male will sniff around the female’s junk, the female will take a leak, and the male will drink it. You know, to see if he’s into her or not. And then, it’s on!
4. Flatworms Fight To See Who Gets To Be The Female
Ocean flatworms are hermaphrodites, and they each have a sharp little penis. Two flatworms will battle it out, trying to poke the other with their penis swords. The winner gets to bust a nut, the loser gets to be knocked up. Millions of human females are jealous.
3. Male Bedbugs And Traumatic Insemination
Yes. Traumatic Insemination. Male bedbugs can’t be bothered to find the G-spot, or even the spot at all for that matter. They just stab female bedbugs with their sharp sex organs and shoot sperm into their bodies. And you thought you were into S&M.
2. Transsexual Clownfish
Who says sex changes aren’t natural? The Clownfish can change their sex when they feel like it. Two Clownfish will pair up, and the larger one will turn into a female. Then, she makes the male do all the cleaning (hey, she can’t lay eggs in filth).
1. Dolphins And Their Retractible, Prehensile Penises
There’s some debate as to whether they’re officially prehensile, or just being moved around by the strong base muscle, which undeniably retract their penises. When someone says “put that thing away” they can get right to it. But then again, they’re dolphins, so they almost never put it away.
They may not have anything on animals, but Tony Parker and Eva Longoria like it kinky. Also, watch what happens when you try to get all kinky, and capture the whole thing on tape.
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