You’re a man of the cloth. You have devoted yourself to a life of faith, spirituality and celibacy. Well, that last part can really suck. We have learned that the more you try to deprive someone of their sexual kinks, the kinkier they end up being. It’s a part of human nature. You’ve got to rub one out every once in a while just to stay sane in this crazy world.
BONUS LINK: The 25 Funniest Stripper Pictures
All the religions have had their share of sex scandals, and we’ve collected some of the juiciest, some of the steamiest, and above all, the kinkiest. Hey, even Jesus hung around with a hooker. We’re not here to judge. In fact, we could all learn a thing or two from some of these guys. They’re even more perverted than us! (And that’s saying a LOT.)
10. Paul Crouch, Founder of Trinity Broadcasting Network
Paul founded the gay-hating, televangelist network TBN, so naturally, he loved kinky gay sex. Paul took one of his employees, Lonnie Ford, to a cabin in Lake Arrowhead and got down to business. According to Ford, Crouch wined him, dined him and Psalms 69ed him. Ford said he did it because he wanted to keep his job. Ford sued, and TBN said he was a drug addict, before they eventually paid him off.
9. Jim Bakker
Jim and Tammy Faye were the undisputed king and queen of TV Bible Land. They hosted the PTL Club and started a Bible amusement park, Heritage USA. We can only imagine all the hidden kinky rides they had in that place. The whole PTL empire came crashing down when Jim got caught with his pants down with his hot secretary, Jessica Hahn. Can you blame him, though? Doing it with Tammy Faye must have been like doing it with a clown… made of wax.
8. The 6th Dalai Lama
This one’s a real old school sex scandal. Tsangyang Gyatso was born in 1683, and he was picked as the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama, of course, is always the same guy, just reborn again. So, they were pretty surprised when he grew up and started writing the kinky sex poetry. Stuff like “Never have I slept without a sweetheart, Nor have I spent a single drop of sperm.” Tantra, baby! Eventually, they decided “w=Whoops, we were wrong. You’re not the Dalai Lama. LOL!” He was replaced with the “real” Dalai Lama and disappeared. (Read: beheaded.)
7. David Koresh
You’ve got to be one hell of a motivational speaker to pull off the kind of stuff that Koresh did. Men would castrate themselves and let Koresh bang their wives. Tony Robbins has nothing on David Koresh.
6. Sai Baba
Just look at that afro! You know that man’s kinky. Hey, when an incarnation of God tells you to drop your pants so he can play with your balls, who are you to say no to God? They’re not your balls, they’re God’s balls. Don’t you forget it!
5. Joyce McKinney
This one’s just outright bizarre. Joyce was a former Miss Wyoming beauty pageant queen. She hooked up with this Mormon dude, chained him up in fur-lined handcuffs and had her way with him. Err, what? What 17-year-old dude is unwilling to do it with a beauty queen? Oh yeah, there was a cloned dog in there somewhere, too.
4. Jimmy Swaggart
Swaggart was one of the biggest pricks on TV in the ’80s. After Jim Bakker got busted, and another evangelist, Marvin Gorman, got caught having an affair with a woman in his congregation, Swaggart was out for blood. He attacked both of them constantly, until Gorman hired a private investigator to follow Jimmy around. Turned out, Jimmy like the hookers. Jimmy got all teary-eyed and said on TV “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.” Cleansed, he was. Well, until three years later, at least, when he got busted with another prostitute.
3. Ted Haggard
When you hear a TV preacher rambling on about homosexuality sending people to Hell, it’s almost a guarantee that dude is on the down low. Ted preached for years about sinful homosexuals and drug users. You know how this one ends. Ted smoking meth and smoking pole. To borrow one of our favorite lines from the show “Roseanne,” people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn’t throw stones.
2. Joseph Smith
Kudos to Joseph Smith (and Brigham Young, too). Joe took his kink and built a whole ideology around it. Joe got bored with one wife. So what did Joe do? He got himself several dozen wives. All of this was before Viagra. Joe, you were an animal.
1. Catholic Priests
We have no idea truly how many cases of molestation by Catholic priests there are, but it’s likely in the thousands. Heck, the Vatican should just team up with NAMBLA and share resources. It also made for the most disturbingly funny Halloween costume of all time.
If you’re still feeling kinky, check out the Easiest Places to Get Laid and even Burger King is into some kinky stuff.
This post was written by Steve Gifford, who considers sex to be a religion.
Comments