So, you’re looking for a start in porn, eh? Porn is just like any other industry. You’re going to have to work your way up the corporate ladder. Unless you’ve got magical junk like nobody’s ever seen before (or, of course, are a woman), you’re going to have to start from the bottom. Actually, if you’re shooting for gay porn, you probably are the bottom.
BONUS LINK: The 25 Funniest Stripper Pictures
So, what kind of jobs are you looking are open to you? Maybe you’re unemployed and thinking about a career change. Maybe you’re going through a mid-life crisis and need to re-invent yourself. Whatever the case, we’ve found your next job at sexyjobs.com. It’s the Monster.com of the porn industry, and your next job could already be waiting. It’s probably just as thankless as the job you already have, but at least you’ll be in the business, right?
Here are the most thankless jobs we could find in the adult entertainment industry. Get those resumes updated… and laminatetd!
10. The Clean Up Crew
Every big porn shoot needs a good clean up crew. If the movie was good, it’s going to need a big clean up crew. If the movie was really good, they’re going to need a big clean up crew in Hazmat suits.
9. The Script Writer
This is a thankless job. Everyone’s always hating on your dumb scripts, but none of them take into account the challenges you face writing solid porno dialogue. If you drop in an “oooh” where there should have been an “ahh,” someone could get hurt!
8. The Extras
Every movie needs extras. Contrary to popular belief, not every pizza dude gets banged in the porno. Actually, that part is true, but not every store clerk gets banged in the porno. What a thankless job. You don’t get any action, and you still can’t show your mom the movie you were in!
7. The Graphic Designer
Whether the cover is just a collage of boobs and butts, is for one of those artsy films with two women on the cover, the graphic designer’s job is to put together a jacket you will want to take home. After all, you don’t rent it for the title. You scan the covers looking for what you want. The designer’s challenge: to represent as many sexual kinks as possible in a tiny amount of space. And the title copy… well, nobody cares about that.
6. The Costume Designer
This job is a lot tougher than it looks! You’ve must make clothes that will miraculously just peel off with little effort. Think lots and lots of Velcro.
5. The Film Video Editor
The video editor is one of the most important, yet unheralded jobs in the entire porn industry. They’ve got to pace the whole thing just right. If the cuts come too slow, you’ll get bored and lose your stiffy. If they’re too quick, you’ll spend more time hitting freeze frame than jerking. Proper pacing is a true work of pornographic art.
4. Catering
Oh yeah, all the classy porn shoots are catered. If not for these skilled food craftsmen and craftswomen replenishing your favorite porn star’s vitality, she wouldn’t be able to pull off that mega gang bang at the end. And then, where would you be?
3. Special Effects
You know what there’s not enough of in porn? Explosions. Literal explosions, that is. The opportunity for awesome visual metaphors would be amazing. Instead, all the effects guy gets to do is airbrush boobs. Talk about underutilized talent.
2. The Dudes (Except The Dudes In Gay Porn)
You want to talk about pay inequality. Dudes in gay porn make all the money (it’s all about the anal bonus). Dudes in straight porn make one-third of what their female counterparts make (We made that up.) On top of that, nobody’s watching it to see what the dude’s got to say. We are not just pieces of meat! (But. we would be willing to try, if you’d just give us a call back.)
1. The Fluffer
It all starts and ends with a good fluffer. You think it just happens that way? Dude delivers every pizza with a full boner? No! Without a good fluffer, it’s going to take this movie a good 30 seconds to get into the mood, at least, and 30 seconds is longer than we have before the wife gets home. GET TO IT!
See just what kind of thankless work they have to do: this is what a porn set looks like after a long day of work. Remember when online porn sucked? So do we.
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