We’re thrilled to bring back Whip It Out Comedy’s resident advice guru, comedian Amber Tozer with another edition of her one-of-a-kind Ask Amber column. If you’ve got a question for Amber, email it to her here.
Howdy Bonding Hormone,
Are you guys done escaping your own problems by participating in the frenzy of Michael Jackson’s death? No, ok. I’ll wait for you.
Tick tock tick tock tick…(silence).
Hey! My Grandfather Clock just died of old age. Now THAT deserves some attention. I’ll video blog about it, get 9 viewers and surrender to Michael’s infamy.
Lets move on to Lucy Goosey and escape into her problems to escape MJ. Try it. Do it. I dare you. I double dog dare your ass. What? NO, I didn’t say your ass reminds me of two dogs. You never listen.
Here we go…
Dear Amber,Hi crazy lady, can you please answer this?
I’ve been dating a guy for about two months. We’ve been sleeping together for the past month. Sometimes it feels like we are a monogamous couple, and other times it doesn’t. I asked him if he considered us “a couple.” He said he didn’t like labels, that he really likes me, and wants to keep seeing me so we can learn more about each other.
We have plans to see each other this week. Now what do I do? I didn’t really get an answer. I really like this guy, but I can walk away now and it wouldn’t be that painful. Or, should I relax and see what happens? Am I being clingy and needy?
HELP!
Thanks,
Lucy Goosey
Hi Lucy Goosey,
Your name reminds me of both an old lady’s vagina and the way I live my life – I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. Thanks for writing in.
It totally blows, as a woman, being in the gray area. I just re-read that sentence and I thought I wrote, “It totally blows women in the gray area.” I got grossed out for a second, but I’m over it.
Ok. First of all, I think it’s awesome that you brought it up and were honest about your feelings. Sometimes women will keep their mouths shut about how they feel and build up a huge resentment toward the guy, then act like a crazy person a few months down the road and the relationship ends with the guy saying, “She was a crazy bitch, a
dramatic nut job, I couldn’t take it.”
It’s because women pretend to be cool, the “laid back, whatever girl” – when deep down their insides are burning with confusion and turmoil and maybe massive gas if she
eats a lot of cabbage. It’s much wiser to be honest and upfront when the feeling arises, even if it annoys him.
You are letting him put his penis in your hole – he should give back by communicating like an adult. If he can’t handle it, make him an ex and move onto the next. BOOM.
He said he didn’t like “labels.” Did he get that from a Hollywood blockbuster romantic comedy or some other crap attack format? What does that even mean? You can label this relationship, “WE LIKE EACH OTHER A LOT, RIGHT?” or “EFF YOU I’M JUST USING YOU,” or “YOU’LL DO FOR NOW, I DON’T HATE YOU,” and it wouldn’t matter in the end.
Ok, maybe those labels would matter. They are awful. But, I think when it comes down to it, a “label” isn’t going to make or break the relationship – your actions will. But it’s important to verbalize a concern so action can take place.
Are you being clingy and needy? Absolutely not. But, tread lightly Goosey, you might be a little confused as to if you even really want to be in a relationship with this guy because sex is involved.
When a lady has an orgasm with a dude – she releases a hormone called Oxytocin, the same hormone that is released during childbirth. It causes women to bond, to nurture and to connect. That’s why so many women stay with jackhole-loser-dickwads – because they are sleeping with them. They know he’s a bag of badness, but they can’t seem to drop him. She’s been genetically wired to “love” him thanks to Oxytocin.
I’ve had relationships with guys I despised, but I kept sleeping with them even though it caused me emotional turmoil (this was back when I was a drunk idiot, now I’m just an idiot). I’d even write out a pros and cons list to help with my twisted logic.
Check this list out. I wrote it when I was on and off with a guy for about a year and when I was drinking like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, except I was staying in Los Angeles and my name is Amber Tozer.
THE BOYFRIEND CHECKLISTPros:
• He texts me everyday.
• He buys me 9 vodka gimlets every time I see him.
• Sometimes he’ll put “xoxo” at the end of an email.
• I love the way his arms swing when he walks. He looks like a monkey and I like it.
Cons:
• He’s an alcoholic and a pothead.
• He never asks me questions about my life (or anything).
• He has a limp bone when he’s drunk and I feel sorry for him.
• When we do have sex – it’s like “eh” and I feel sorry for myself.
• He’s obsessed with how many friends he has on MySpace (not Facebook).
• He has nothing to say when he’s sober.
• He’s never sober so he never shuts the eff up.
I’m going to label this guy “LOW STANDARDS.” I almost can’t believe I put myself through that, but if I hadn’t slept with this guy, he probably would have just been someone fun to get drunk with. BUT, since we kept sleeping with each other, the Oxytocin (and booze and insecurity) made me want to bond with him and his monkey arms.
And, he really did have A LOT of friends on MySpace, I was secretly proud of him. He was a monkey on MySpace! I should have shoved a banana in one of his holes and left a comment on his page about it.
My point is, just be careful with the sex. As long as you keep sleeping with this guy, you are always going to want more than a casual dating situation, whether you think he’s right for you or not.
I say give him some time to process your needs and see how you feel the next time you see him. He’s not a bad guy just because he didn’t say “Yes, I want to be with you and only you. We are a couple. You are perfect.”
He probably has his own emotional crap going, so cut him some sack slack.
You can always stop riding his rod, the Oxytocin will leave your body and you’ll either be like, “Wow, this guy is a farty fagball, why was I so into him?” Or, you’ll be like, “Wow, this guy is pretty cool and I hope it works out.”
Or, you might realize that you are a lesbian and finger blast a lady and love it. You never know. Planet Earth, it’s where humans have to figure shit out.
Peace,
Amber
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