Yesterday, we explained to you the 10 Easiest People To Have Sex With At Your High School Reunion, so we figured it was only fair for us to flip that around today and look at high school love from a much less encouraging vantage point. Specifically, we know that many of you may be getting ready for prom soon and wondering whether or not you’re going to be able to get some loving from your prom date. Well, here’s 10 Signs Your Prom Date Is Not Going To Have Sex With You. If one of these applies to your date, at least you can still go become a fan of Doin’ It on Facebook.
10. Your Date Is Wearing A Promise Ring
We don’t want to get into a whole debate about religion here, but the chances are that if your prom date is wearing a promise ring, you’re not going to be getting any on prom night. However, the good news is that a girl wearing a promise ring will almost definitely go down on you like Alanis Morrisette in a crowded theater because as we all know, for some reason Jesus doesn’t count oral sex as sex.
9. Your Date Wants To Go To The School Sponsored Post-Prom Party
When your date would rather sing karaoke and wrestle in giant inflatable sumo outfits at the school-sponsored post-prom party instead of going to your boy’s kegger then you might as well brace yourself for a night of blue balls. On a side note, if you do have to go to the parent-chaperoned post-prom festivities we recommend trying to make the most of it by hitting on your hot teacher who may be vulnerable when you see her at 3 am manning the dunk tank.
8. Your Date Is Pregnant
If your prom date is pregnant you know that she puts out, unfortunately it’s doubtful that she’ll be giving you some on prom night because either she’s going to be pissed at you (because you’re the father) or you’re going to be pissed at her (because you’re not the father). On the bright side, you can probably get a free trip to be on the Maury Povitch show out of it.
7. You’re Wearing A Powder Blue Tux
We don’t care what anybody claims, we refuse to believe that anybody has ever gotten laid in a powder blue tuxedo.
6. Your Date Stands You Up
If you’re still waiting for your date to answer the door an hour after prom was supposed to start, you might want to send the limo home and call it a night. You can’t get laid when you can’t even get a girl to show up.
5. She Issues A No Slow Songs Rule
It’s hard to believe, but some girls are apparently declaring a “no slow song” rule when they are going to prom with a guy who is “just a friend.” Any girl that goes to this extreme to tell you where you stand is definitely not going to give you any loving and that’s probably for the best.
4. You’re Taping A Disney Movie
If you’re a method actor who has convinced himself that his prom is actually happening and not being filmed as part of a Disney movie, you are going to be in for a disappointing night because Disney is never going to show you banging a girl on Prom night – especially if that girl is Miley Cyrus.
3. It’s A Home School Prom
We know that more and more kids are home schooled and we know that their parents are doing more and more to simulate the real high school experience. That said, there’s probably some poor guy out there whose parents put together a Home School prom for him and we guarantee that guy didn’t get laid at it.
2. You Catch Your Date Having Sex With Another Douchebag At Prom
Even if you were able to overlook the fact that your date is now sloppy seconds, the reality is that even the sluttiest high school girl isn’t going to pull the two dudes in one night move. That’s what college is for.
1. You’re Her Brother
If you help your sister out by agreeing to go to her prom with her, then we know three things about you: You’re a really nice guy, your sister is kinda creepy, and there’s absolutely no chance you’re going to get laid. Unless you live in West Virginia. Then it’s a 50-50 shot.
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