We’re thrilled to bring back Whip It Out Comedy’s resident advice guru, comedian Amber Tozer with another edition of her one-of-a-kind Ask Amber column. If you’ve got a question for Amber, email it to her here.
Howdy Swines,
Before I dish advice, I need to tell everyone about a sex dream I had.
Ok, so get this. The other night I dreamt I went to the doctor. I was sitting on a table wearing the paper-towel robe thing, and in walks a VERY confident Ryan Seacrest. HE was my doctor. In my brain I was like, “Of course!”
He told me to lie down on the table and then immediately climbed on top of me, in the 69 position. But, for whatever reason his crotch wasn’t in my face. I had no idea where his little body went, but his face was upside down in my vagina crack and that was good enough for me. I guess it looked more like a 60 position, or a number that
doesn’t have the bottom part of the 9. Ugh I hate math.
Yeah, so he’s down there giving me the best tongue-down I have ever had in my entire
life. I couldn’t believe it and I was so thankful. I was like, “I have the best doctor in the world and I don’t even have health insurance, I love America…n Idol.”
Then he got up and whispered in my ear, “You are going to be fine.” I sure was. I left in a complete state of euphoria. I called my friends and told them about the star-studded vagina party.
But, here’s where it get weird.
I wasn’t telling them my doctor was Ryan Seacrest, I was telling them it was Ron Jeremy. BARF ON A PILE OF BARF!
After a few calls I realized I was making a tiny body/huge cock mix up. I was like
“Damn, it was Ryan not Ron! I have to re-brag. No one is going to believe me.”
I was soooo upset. I couldn’t believe I had told everyone it was Ron, the guy who probably invented Swine Flu. I was in shock over my mistake. Then I woke up, ripped a tender fart under the blankets, laughed and tuned into Kiss FM.
Life is weird when your farts are tender. Lets get to a question!
Dear Amber,
Does Ask Amber still exist? I haven’t seen your stuff online lately!
If you can help me with this I’d appreciate it. I work with a bunch of passive aggressive women and I’m getting caught up in the drama. I’m trying to be diplomatic, but we all gossip, exaggerate and backstab.
I’m really aware that I can be doing a much better job when stuff gets heated, but we are all awful to each other. My boss is the worst, she’s really aggressive and defensive and doesn’t do her job until the crap hits the fan. She’s dramatic and makes stupid suggestions that would actually hurt the company. I really want to tell her how I feel, but I like this job and need it.
Any suggestions on how I can approach her and deal with this drama?
Thanks,
Angie
Hi Angie!
Thanks for writing in, and lucky for you ASK AMBER does exist. I’ve been busy traveling around the world speaking at Advice Column Conferences and pitching my new-age dildo design called the STICK IT IN YOUR CRACK AND FOCUS ON YOUR FUTURE. Fingers crossed (but not while you have a dildo in your hand).
Anyway – on to you and the dramarama-dingdong with the other dames in work place! It’s a shame women get competitive, catty, sneaky, dramatic, vengeful, emotional, stupid and fat. Women would rule the world if our instincts didn’t tell us to sabotage each other.
It goes back to the basics of survival, back to the caveman days. Women had to compete against each other in order to keep a man around, otherwise their cavemen would have just left them in a cave with the babies to starve to death. I’m sure there was a time when a cavewoman thought her man was out hunting for food when, actually, he was banging the witch doctor with the crazy hair-do in the cave over the hill. And it all happened because the cavewoman didn’t stone that witch to death in the first place.
So, it’s in our DNA to scratch and claw our way around bitches that tread in our territory. It’s really sad because women are gifted in ways that could benefit the universe immensely, but we spend a lot our energy bringing each other down to the ground so we feel confident and secure about our status. When, the truth of the matter is, we are all gonna die someday so who gives a crap? Just be nice.
Off track a bit cos that’s how I roll, this is my highway I don’t pay tolls, if I had bigger boobs I might work a pole, nah- I’m sober don’t even smoke bowls, I’m even nice to fat people with lots of rolls, I should be on BRAVE NEW VOICES on HBO.
What?
Ok, your question had nothing to do with men, so lets move on. The good news is you sound super aware of the situation at work and your intentions seem nice. Your boss probably knows that she sucks an ass from San Diego to some crap town in Florida and is self-conscious about the fact that she sucks ass for so many miles. That’s why she
goes bananas when something goes wrong, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, out of context but f- you!
Sorry, I’m a lady and need to get mad at you because you’re a lady too. Lets party and pretend we like each other.
Ok. Try taking the following steps and see what happens:
1. Get the rage out of your body by doing something like; kickboxing, rough sex, confession, rough sex in a confession booth, catching the Swine Flu and realizing that you take your health for granted, throwing a pie at your bosses face and saying “Oh, sorry I thought we were at the circus you dirty clown!,” etc.
2. Talk to trusted co-worker about the situation, preferably a man who doesn’t give a crap about your problem, but wants to have sex with you. He will at least pretend to be sympathetic and it’ll be nice to vent to someone who’s fantasizing about ripping your clothes off while you scream his name. THEN scream his name when you’re done venting – just to see what he does.
3. Write a brutally honest letter to your boss and send it to your mom. When your mom asks you about it, tell her to mind her own business.
End of suggestions.
Angie, you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can shape it, by changing your behavior. I know the stuff I wrote is silly, but just take the high road, focus on your work and you’ll be fine. No matter where you are or what you are doing, there will always be bitches, assholes, whack jobs, twat farts, sons of bees, and whiney faces in your life.
And, who knows – maybe some people think you are one or more of the awful things I just listed. Just keep your perspective in check and have a nice day.
Oooohhh. I’m so happy Ask Amber is back. I’m a little rusty and I blame it on my new dildo design (takes time). I’m straight edge, so I can’t blame it on the a a a a a alcohol. I hate that song, but I like to sing it to obnoxious drunks.
Adios, readers. Cover up your face holes around any swine, especially Ron Jeremy.
Peace,
Amber
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