As I previously mentioned, I spent the past weekend in Lake Tahoe for a friend’s bachelor party.
I’ve attended more than a few bachelor parties over the years (almost always in Vegas), though this was the first time I had ever been to one in Tahoe. Coincidentally, it was also the first time I had been to one in which all 11 guys attending shared a huge house in the middle of the woods for the weekend.
It was an interesting experience and one I thought I’d share with you (at least the parts I am able to share without ruining any marriages or friendships) in a list of the Five Most and Least Surprising Moments of the bachelor party weekend.
THE FIVE MOST SURPRISING MOMENTS
The Stripper Smoke Break
Since Tahoe’s not exactly known for its strip clubs, we decided to have a couple of “entertainers” come out to our house for a little private show. The show itself was excellent, but the most surprising moment came during an intermission (yes, there was a intermission because I roll with a classy crew) when the talented ladies headed out to the front porch for a smoke break. Naked. In 20 degree weather surrounded by snow. They did a lot of impressive things that night, but that may have been my favorite (that didn’t involve “toys”).
The Hot Tub Action Was Not Hot
Our house in Tahoe had a hot tub which sounds very sexy until…you realize that the only people to use it all weekend are going to be two of your hairy-chested friends (one bald, one wearing fogged-up glasses) who have a leisurely chat about whatever two half-naked short guys talk about while surrounded by bubbles and steam.
The World’s Greatest Dancer Can Be Found In Tahoe
If you want to see the greatest dance moves ever, then you should check out the dance floor in a lounge inside Tahoe’s Montbleu casino. That’s where you will find a guy we came to call “Brown Shirt Guy.” His moves were so amazing that I was dragged away from the blackjack table and into the lounge by friends who insisted I see this guy in action. When I arrived at the lounge to check him out, all I saw was a guy in a brown shirt, doubled over on the edge of the dance floor, looking as if he was about to puke. “What’s the big deal?” I asked. But then, right on cue, the Brown Shirt Guy did a somersault on to the dance floor and unleashed an array of moves the likes of which have never been seen before on a mostly empty dance floor – Air Flute, a remix of the Thriller dance, and some kind of jumping jack-type maneuver. I was so doubled over in laughter I almost missed a final crucial element – he had a posse of three other guys who would mimic whatever move their leader initiated, including a Rockettes-style kickline. Rumor has it that this guy also had a rival (who I did not see, but my friends did) who was just as awe-inspiring and had a repertoire of moves that included “air fencing.”
The Wedding Wasn’t Cancelled
True story – I went to a bachelor party in Vegas a couple years ago with friends from the East Coast. Everybody flew to Vegas, partied all day and night, and then went to a big dinner. A couple guys got up and made speeches toasting the groom-to-be, and then the bachelor himself stood up to make a speech. He thanked everybody for coming to his bachelor party, and then told us that the wedding had been cancelled as of a week ago and that he and his girl had broken up. Apparently, he didn’t tell anybody earlier because he knew people were excited for his bachelor party and didn’t want to take that away from them. To this day, I can’t decide if this is the most selfless or selfish move I’ve ever seen. Maybe both? It was definitely the longest awkward silence I’ve ever seen. Anyway, the fact that this weekend’s bachelor didn’t cancel his wedding counts as a surprise to me based on my past bachelor party history.
Reality Is A Damp Smack In The Face
When you’re at a bachelor party weekend, it’s as if all the problems in your life have been washed away. Then, you return home at midnight on a Sunday night and discover that they’ve all washed up on the flooded floor of your apartment which now stinks because the soaked and mildewed carpet has been sitting there for four days while you were busy convincing yourself that a parlay of North Carolina in the first half with Louisville for the game was somehow a good idea. Not exactly the welcome home present I was hoping for.
FIVE LEAST SURPRISING MOMENTS
Bachelor Parties Are Bad For The Bank Account
It turns out even in Tahoe, the casino has an advantage at the 3 Card Poker tables.
Tahoe Women: Good For The Married Guys, Bad For The Single Guy
I’ll say this about the women in Tahoe – they make it easy for a guy to stay faithful. The downside is that going to a club in Tahoe as a single guy is the equivalent of taking a tour of the Jimmy Dean sausage factory. But with more fat chicks.
The Breakfast Guy Can’t Be Relied On
Any time you get a group of a dozen guys together for a weekend, there’s always going to be one guy in the crew who declares himself the ultimate cook and promises to make everybody the best breakfast they’ve ever had the morning after a night of partying. And inevitably, this King of Breakfast will then sleep later than everybody else and wake up after everybody’s already eaten.
The Skiing Guys Will Get Hurt And Humbled
I don’t ski (because to the best of my knowledge there aren’t craps tables on the slopes), but there were a couple guys in our crew who did. Sure enough, one took a spill and came back with a banged up knee and another got lost and came back on the back of a ski patrol’s snowmobile.
I Need Another Friend To Get Married Soon
The least surprising thing about a bachelor party weekend? When you leave, it’s the only time you will start encouraging all of your friends who have been dating a woman for at least two weeks to get engaged because you need to have another bachelor party to look forward to. So come on guys, let’s get over that fear of commitment. Besides, just because you have a bachelor party doesn’t mean you actually have to go through with the wedding.
Josh Spector is the “mastermind” behind Whip It Out Comedy. His column runs every Monday, assuming he remembers to write it. He has recently revealed the secret to standup comedy success and explained how to choose a team to root for in March Madness. He can be pestered at whipitoutcomedy@yahoo.com.
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