Hi Whip It Outs,
Welcome to my advice column. Thanks to everyone who wrote in. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to all of the questions I received. Don’t be sad if your question isn’t featured this week– just ask better questions next time. I’m a dick!
Let’s begin with Rob who had a few questions about pubes.
“What are your recommendations regarding pubic hair grooming for men and women?”
Men: If your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/mistress/donkey-doll takes care of their pubes, take care of yours. Trim that shit up. What’s a donkey-doll? Exactly that. A donkey-doll.
As a lady, I personally have never gotten waxed. I just won’t do it. I got my mustache waxed once and my skin exploded on my very own face. I hate the wax job. But, I do encourage shaving, trimming, snipping, clipping, tweezing (ouchy wowch) – just keep it clean. Some of my most focused moments in life are when I have a pair of scissors inches away from my vagina. Try it!
“Do your pube recommendations vary based on whether you’re gay, straight, single, married, or based on age or race?”
Not really. If you are really young and you don’t have pubes yet, you obviously don’t have to worry about it. If you are a minority, it doesn’t mean you can ignore the hairs downstairs. Nobody wants to hear “Hey, I’m black and gay. I’ll do what I want because I’m different.” Yeah, well, get over it.
Whoever has their face buried in your crotch is the one that’s wishing your big bush was different. You can dye it rainbow if you want – but don’t forget to trim bitches. Oh, and if you’re married you should shave it ALL OFF. Go bald.
Let’s switch it up with another question Rob asked. It’s a mother effin doozey.
“What do you make of Ben Bernanke offering loans to banks and accepting mortgage backed securities as collateral for those loans? Do you foresee any long term economic consequences from this change in Federal Reserve Policy?”
Who the eff is Ben Bernanke? Wait…I just googled him. He’s the Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve!
I don’t know the answer to this fucking question. But, I do think it’s cool that Ben’s last name BERNANKE contains letters that spell BANK, BANKER, RANK, KEEN and BEAN. This makes me think he’s the right man for the job. Yeah, according to his last name Ben is money in the beaner-bank, therefore I do not foresee any long-term economic consequences from this change in the Federal Reserve Policy. If there is a problem,
Ben should just print more money (on the down-low) and pretend to fix shit up like a real American.
I’m a real American, because I don’t care about this and I should. Or should I? I
don’t even know that. All I know is I’m going to dye my pubes red, white and blue – then stalk Ben Bank-N-Beans and ask for a loan.
Next Question.
From Stu: “Why does your vagina smell like cake?”
Because your mom is an amazing cake maker. (I would reference pubes here,
but I’m pubed out)
Next Question.
From Lizzy: “Can I just call you? Not for advice but when I feel like whipping it out?”
Of course! Just be sure to have a huge cock and please call me after 7pm (free minutes)!
Ok. That’s it for now, keep the questions coming. Just send me an
email at ambertozer@gmail.com or call the Whip It Out Hotline at 818-575-6035.
Peace,
Amber
Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes a nose and a mouth. She previously introduced herself to us and her column runs every other Thursday. Check her out – www.myspace.com/ambertozer.
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