My name is Amber Tozer and I’m about to write the shit out of this column. It’s column crapping time, someone light a vanilla candle!
Actually, I’m here for you. Not me. Sure, I have my name and picture plastered on the page, but honestly – I’m here for you.
This is going to be an advice column! Maybe you are asking yourself, “Who in the hell are you to give me advice and why should your opinion matter?” Or maybe you are asking yourself “Why do I smell like other people’s sweat today?” Or, “Why do pubic hairs grow back so fast?”
Whatever you are asking yourself, you should start asking me. WHY? I’ll tell you why.
I’m a back-packin-slackin-travelin-drinkin-smokin-jokin type of human and it’s time for me to share my wisdom with you. I’ve suffered a lot and I know how to snap out of it. Seriously, check this shit out: Most of my relationships have been dysfunctional and self-destructive, I played college basketball and I’m only a little bit of a lesbian, I have all of my teeth, my sister is bald and my dad is dead. I just KNOW THINGS, trust me on this.
Every other week I’ll be answering questions from you, for you. What kind of questions? Questions that need answers full of my sweet vanilla candle smelling advice, that’s what kind! You can ask me how to deal with your significant other, your boss, your pets, your sneaky farts, your missing marbles, your ass-crack, your crack problem, cracked corn – whatever!
You’ll remain anonymous (if you want) and I’ll REALLY try to help you. It’s gonna be a really good time. So, go ahead and send me an email ambertozer@gmail.com (or, even better, call the Whip It Out Comedy hotline at 818-575-6035 and leave your question as a voicemail message!) and let the fun begin!
Peace,
Amber
Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks in the mirror are two eyes a nose and a mouth. Check her out at www.myspace.com/ambertozer and http://tozerisalady.blogspot.com.
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