I think I might like sleeping more than living. It’s reached that point. I have the sleep schedule of a cancer patient, and for years I’ve been ashamed of it. I remember reading once that Jay Leno only needs three hours of sleep per day. I, on the other hand, need only three hours of reality. Maybe two.
I used to try to pretend that I wasn’t sleeping til 3 pm. When someone would call and wake me up, I’d pretend I wasn’t the lazy piece of shit they’d accuse me of being.
“I was taking a nap! I woke up so early today!”
I still do that for my mom. I don’t want her to worry. At least one day every week, I wake up to her fourth consecutive phone call of the afternoon. By call number three, she’s just making sure I’m alive. Like she’s Mary Kate Olsen and I’m late for my massage appointment.
I once slept through a fire alarm. It was my freshman year of college, and although I had been drinking heavily that night, there’s no excuse for sleeping through the loudest noise I’ve ever heard in my life. I know it was, because 20 minutes after it had gone off, I woke up because I had to pee.
I went out in the hallway and wondered what was going on. There hadn’t been a fire, of course. Just some burnt popcorn. (In college, smoke detectors should be called “burnt popcorn detectors.”) There were firemen walking the empty hallways. I remember them being so disappointed in me. One of them was laughing. He must have been the one who drew the dick on my face.
At least I know I’m going to die in my sleep. The odds are in my favor. That’s reassuring, I guess.
The other night I had a dream in which I was so exhausted during the dream that I took a nap IN MY DREAM! I know that this is a lot to compute, but you must understand that this was the most amazing occurrence in my sleeplife.
I took a nap in my dream! Do you know how awesome it is to wake up and realize that you are still asleep?!
“Crap, that was a good dream. Now I have to go to the bank and do laundry… Oh wait, what is this?! I’m still dreaming!!?! Yes!! Now instead of all that stuff I need to get done, I can go have sex with John Mayer in my second grade classroom again!!!”
You get the picture.
I hate to cut the column short, but I will be boarding a red-eye to Detroit in less than two hours. I’m so excited. I love sleeping on planes. I only took one nap today in order to prepare. And I have a window seat! I’m going to be out cold before we lift off the runway.
That’s how I roll: Ear Plugs, Eye mask, Drool, GO!
Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles who has recently written about her love of Dave Matthews and hitting on waiters. Go to www.myspace.com/nikkiglaser for info.
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