TO THAT DRUNK GUY I MET LAST NIGHT ON LINE TO THE BATHROOM:
Dear Drunk Guy,
I just wanted to thank you for talking to me last night at the bar when we were waiting for the bathroom. I’ll never forget when you first turned to me and said, “What is this, bro? The line for the ladies’ bathroom?” So witty, so original.
Even after I completely ignored that comment, you didn’t give up, engaging me with imaginative theories of what the guy who was already in bathroom might be doing, like taking a shit. That would have never occurred to me, so thank you for pointing that out.
I especially enjoyed our conversation about pussy. Remember when you pointed at that one girl’s ass and commented on her ass by saying, “Look at her ass.” It was a good thing she was only standing right next to us.
And I feel like I got to know a more vulnerable, deeper side of you when you confessed to me that if the guy in the bathroom didn’t come out soon, you might piss your pants. Believe me, if I could have reached into your bladder and emptied it myself, I would have.
What stands out most about our conversation last night was the level of comfort. By the time you called me “bro” for the 63rd time, I truly felt like one of your brethren. You reinforced that notion even further by continuing to put your hand on my shoulder and close-talking me with your warm Michelob breath.
But I am most thankful for your final act of kindness…asking me if I’d like to “tag-team” piss with you. It was that gesture that made me feel like the luckiest fella’ in the room and I will treasure it forever. Although I rejected you, you still took a leak as fast as you could and reminded me of that when you exited the bathroom, touching me once again, but this time, with a pee-soaked hand.
Well, friend, I might have walked into that bar looking for girls, but I left with something much greater…your urine on my shoulder. So, thanks again, drunk guy on line to the bathroom, and something tells me that we will meet again.
Always Your Bro,
Mike
Mike Bender is a screenwriter who enjoys awkward moments and actually seeks them out. He recently shared with us his chat with a webcam girl and his column run every other Thursday.
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