In place of a column this week, because I didn’t have a great idea, I am going to entertain you with some sundry items that have run through my sick mind throughout the past couple of days:
• I may be in the minority here, but I don’t feel so bad about people like assistant drug store managers and Starbucks Barista’s, who earn $30,000 a year, getting evicted from their $4 million homes. If they were dumb enough think they could afford a mansion and decided not to read the fine print, then let them sleep on a bench and think about their mistakes for a while.
• The following term is defined at UrbanDictionary.com and is quite possibly the most disgusting, nauseating, yet descriptive noun/adjective that I’ve ever come across (I’m providing three examples below to make absolutely sure you get the usage correct):
“Pink Sock”
1) This is the result of excessive anal plundering; the intestines actually exit through the anus, forming a dangling mass, resembling a pink sock.
When I left prison, I had a pink sock the size of Texas.
2) Slang term for “pro-lapse rectum”, or “anal-prolapse”, a medical condition in which the colon is turned inside out and may protrude out the anus.
I was so constipated, when I finally took a dump it felt like I had a pink sock.
3) Withdraw so fast (from the backside and often times without lubrication) that what is pulled out looks like a rolled up pink sock. Also known as an inverted starfish.
Dude, the donkey punch didn’t knock her out like you said it would; instead she bucked me off so hard that she gave herself a “pink sock.”
• Could you imagine the shrinkage on the 60,000+ shafts at Lambeau Field by halftime last Saturday?
• Any guy who claims they never shared a room at a bachelor party and had to pretend to be asleep to counteract the risk of being caught “rubbing one out” is clearly lying.
• I think Corky from ‘Life Goes On’ could do a better job than half the cashiers at CVS.
• I run on a treadmill several times per week and cannot bring myself to wear an athletic supporter over my situation. If I wear boxers, my stones ache from bouncing around. So I wear tighty whities and wind up sweating right through them.
• It’s a good thing I only “work” 5 days a week because I need the weekend for the raw, bloody, raspberry inside my ass caused by the coarse, sandpaper-like toilet paper in my office to heal.
• If Coke Zero and Classic Coke taste almost identical, what would stop us from making cotton candy with Splenda?
• Finally, I leave you with my view of the of Democratic side of the primary election, in ESPN magazine’s ‘The Jump’ format:
Matt Gluck is, well, Matt Gluck. He recently wrote a letter to the girl that got away and his column runs every other Wednesday.
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