I consider myself a better than average cook. I can make the mother sauces. I know what a mire poix is. I prepare things using proper knife skills and I get upset if decent cutlery isn’t available to me. I drool over the likes of Wustov, Kitchenaid mixers, and local family-owned butcher shops.
I’d rather spend two hours in Williams-Sonoma than watch an NFC championship game. And if I WAS at home, I’d rather be in the kitchen making snacks for the fellas, than checking on the score. Plus, I give a mean handjob.
I’m kidding. I’d probably care a little about the score.
Thing is, I’m also a broke scumbag who sometimes has to make due with what is available. And while this may not be a “recipe” in the purest sense, I’m considering it mine nonetheless. And if you, or someone you know works at Burger King, please send a “thank you” to mikepaulburns@hotmail.com.
Ever had a Rodeo Cheeseburger from Burger King? It’s pretty simple: burger, cheese, bbq sauce, a couple of onion rings, sesame seed bun. They’re usually a buck. They’re fine.
But I just don’t think “Rodeo Cheeseburger” is clear or concise enough for a person who is making a value menu order on the fly. And when you’re trying to make a purchase with nickels, it feels a little out of line to ask, “And what exactly comes on the sandwich?”
You’re counting out nickels, you’d be lucky if it it was bun and a classified ad print out from Craigslist looking for someone to clean the restrooms at Blockbuster.
Unless you’re Mexican. Then it’s totally cool to ask – as long as you’re under 5’3 and pronounce it “sand-weech?” Then it’s adorable.
What I propose is that this item be revamped.
When I order one, I get it without bbq sauce (I find bbq sauce best utilized with pork or chicken, unless brisket is involved) and ask for a side of Burger King’s fabulous Zesty Onion Ring Sauce, which would make popsicle sticks taste delicious.
I then top the burger with the sauce, and, ta-dah: The New Zesty Onion Ring Burger From Burger King. Just 99 cents on the BK Value Menu. Roll that yummo up and slide it in your 30 minute bubble gum, Rachel Ray.
So simple, so easy, so goddamn marketable that, while inebriated, I proposed that I actually get to shoot a BK exec in the forehead for not thinking of it himself.
Making the best out of what is available to you is the basis of peasant food. Just because you’re not monetarily stable, it doesn’t mean that you have to live like an animal. Unless you’re Mexican. Then you can live like an animal all you want, as long as you wear a straw hat and act adorable.
“What ees rodeo sand-weech?”
Mike Burns is a severely hunky comedian from Saginaw Chicago New York Los Angeles, MI. He recently has written about Dwight Yoakam’s Lil’ Joes. You can see more of this dreamboat at myspace.com/mikeburnsmikeburns and read his column here every other Tuesday.
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