It feels like cheating, you know?
Pretending it’s all art. Pretending I’m struggling. “Oh god, I’m broke. Life’s tough. What if I don’t become a successful cocksuck in showbiz? What a struggle it all is! [stage faint].”
Sat here and wrote some Bukowski-esque bullshit about the romance of wine rings on my desk, striving for complacency through creativity, and having to smash roaches with empty whiskey bottles (I don’t have roaches and I recycle my bottles promptly). What a crock of shit.
Trying to be some starving artist is tough when that Trader Joe’s is just a couple blocks away. Eating cold chili out of a can, sure…but it’s organic chili and I heat it up in the nice Ikea dishware my roommate’s parents bought for us.
I’m drunk on wine on Monday night, but that’s not to avoid the despair of being broke and alone; it’s to avoid the truth of having nothing to complain about.
“Shit’s rough for me, man! At least until that tax return comes in a couple weeks. Almost couldn’t afford my new mountain bike. Does anyone else understand this kind of pain?”
Let’s stop being pussies, Hollywood. I’ll try if you try. Let’s not be afraid of failure, but let’s feel true shame for borrowing money from our parents past 30. And let’s stop acting like this is all we’ve got.
“Oh, I’d just probably curl up and die if I couldn’t act!”
No, you’d take your fucking arms and legs and brains and use them to scratch by like the rest of the world. Remember this: the world doesn’t need another actor/comedian/director/producer/showbiz cocksuck.
“But Kyle, I’ve got a true gift!”
Yes, you do. It’s a gift; not an entitlement. You’ve got a little something special, just like someone who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue or finish a Rubik’s Cube surprisingly quick. But it doesn’t help the world turn.
“But Kyle, you moved to Los Angeles to pursue your dreams.”
Yeah, yeah, I know…
These wine rings, the lot of them. Nothing but desktop Venn diagrams. Intersecting splices showing the culmination of ill advice given and ill advice taken. I’ve brought this on myself.
Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds who has recently written about his typical work day. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.
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