Love/Hate Update
Two weeks ago, I came on here and said that my ‘Hate’ was Mike Huckabee. Since then, I’ve had even more fun despising him. Here’s your first ever Love/Hate with Brido update…
I saw Mike Huckabee campaigning in one of the other primaries or caucuses, and he was on stage. Behind Huckabee was Chuck Norris, and behind Norris was a kid with downs syndrome in a cowboy hat. I loved that because it was a weird Russian doll scenario of ascending intelligence. Now I know what one of them looks like in a cowboy hat, as a karate guy and when they run for president.
Now, for this week’s Love/Hate…
Hate: Andy Rooney
Until about a week ago, I thought Andy Rooney and Mickey Rooney were brothers. I thought they were brothers my entire life. Mickey Rooney isn’t his real name. It’s Joseph Yule, Jr. I guess I just assumed that since they were both around the same age and had the same last name that they were bros. They’re not even related.
I had such little faith in Andy Rooney’s ‘talent’ as a CBS op/ed newsman that I figured Mickey hooked him up with the gig when he was the biggest star in the world. Now I really have no idea why Andy Rooney has a career at all.
He recently did a piece about what people in New York carry around in their bags. Women tended to have day planners and bottles of water. He came to the, oh-so-witty conclusion that women were PLANNING on (get this) drinking WATER. Terrible.
Another thing Andy noticed was that New Yorkers had books in their bags. Andy presumed that people were reading books instead of working during company time. Apparently Andy has never heard of the concept of riding a train to work and wanting to have something to do besides sit there like a creep with big white Andy Rooney rape eyebrows. I don’t know what rape eyebrows are either. I just hate the guy. He’s the worst.
I seriously thought that some sort of nepotism surrounding the white-hot career of Mickey Rooney landed Andy that coveted spot complaining about ridiculous shit on “60 Minutes,” one of the most-watched programs in the history of the world. In another recent show, Andy talked about all the things he would do if he were rich.
Ready for this big reveal? Here goes… He’d get his shirts dry-cleaned more. And he wouldn’t bend down to pick up loose change anymore.
Holy fucking shit! Let’s put this old bag of turds on television to blow our minds with his dry-cleaning wishes and change-abandoning dreams. Come on, man. Talk about chinchilla fur toilet paper and monkey butlers and fur coats made out of them rape brows. You’re on the goddamned television talking into a boom microphone with a camera pointed at your face. Sound too insane to be shit he’d actually say? Let’s see, here’s some of my favorite Rooney dimes…
“I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today’s baseball stars are all guys named Rodriguez to me.”
“The word Negro, perfectly good word. It’s a strong word and a good word. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”
In 1992, he wrote a column about how silly it was for Native Americans to get upset about team names like the Redskins. “The real problem is, we took the country away from the Indians, they want it back and we’re not going to give it to them. We feel guilty and we’ll do what we can for them within reason, but they can’t have their country back. Next question.”
I’ll only feel bad if he dies this week or something.
Love: Babes
I just saw Cindy Crawford in a commercial for Meaningful Beauty or something like that. I’ll be damned if she still isn’t the best-looking woman on the planet. I really enjoyed looking at her. She’s a real babe. And I love babes. Right fellas? Babes.
Mike Bridenstine is a stand-up comedian based out of Los Angeles. He is a member of Blerds.com and quite possibly the funniest person of all time. He recently wrote about his hatred of Mike Huckabee and his love for school-skipping Mexican kids. You can contact him at Myspace.com/MikeBridenstine and read his column here every other Wednesday.
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