My work day resembles a NASA g-force simulator in as much as the whole challenge seems to be just to remain conscious for the duration. I don’t sleep so well, you see.
Even when I am awake at work, anything can take priority as long as it’s not the task at hand. Last Thursday, I realized all my black shoelaces rarely stay tied, whereas the white ones are reliable. That thought alone made me curious enough to research racism, political correctness, and psychological overcompensation via Catholic guilt on and off for a whole afternoon.
The only interruption came in the form of nervous wondering over what kind of inter-office greeting card I’d signed right before lunch. I’d absent-mindedly written “Congratulations” in what I realized might’ve been a “Get Well” card. The mistake was understandable since I’d just previously been researching tuxedo rental prices for a wedding I was attending coming up in July.
By the time the worry had reached a fever pitch, I was already off to a deli in Burbank, wondering when, if ever, I’d get to use all this camping gear I’d been spontaneously purchasing over the past two weeks.
Lanterns sound like a must-have after you just watched Red Dawn over the weekend, but when it’s sitting in its box next to a recycling bin full of Coors Light bottles in the living room, you realize you could’ve gotten by with a key chain flashlight if need be.
I bought a 4-person tent just in case three other people are as convinced as I am that my neighbor’s dog can predict when the shit’s gonna go down. Skipper’s barking at the door to the laundry room again. Load up the truck. Even if it comes back that I’m a fool and Skipper was simply barking at a poltergeist, at least I have a sweet Labor Day weekend set-up.
I just wrote a whole thing about wakeboarding, but I realize that it didn’t really fit here.
Kyle Kinane is a comedian and member of Blerds. He can be found on Myspace and his column runs every other Friday.
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