One of the best things about living in Los Angeles is that even the most mundane part of your evening can become the best story of your day. For example, last Wednesday night at about 11 pm, I wandered into a local grocery store to get something to eat.
Since I wasn’t sure what I was hungry for, I made my way up and down all the aisles, ruling out anything that was too unhealthy (read: Slim Jims) or too healthy (read: salad). About halfway through my search, I came to the baking aisle.
Now even though I knew there was nothing in said aisle that would fit my needs (because everything in the baking aisle involves actual baking which automatically eliminates it as an option for me), nonetheless I ventured down the aisle for the hell of it. And by “for the hell of it,” I mean because there was a Smokin Hot Chick in the baking aisle and I wanted a closer look.
As I approached, I realized that the Smokin Hot Chick was accompanied by a super sleazy guy. Picture a less-talkative Silent Bob. Anyway, I also discovered that the Smokin Hot Chick (let’s just refer to her as the SHC from now on), was on her cell phone while browsing the store’s cake frosting selections. I caught her in mid-conversation, but it went something like this.
“You’re never going to believe where I am. Well, they didn’t have it, so I’m at the Pavillions by my house. And you know what? They have it! And they’re on sale for 99 cents each!”
Ok, at this point, I watch her throw dozens of cans of frosting into a basket that is being held by Sleazy Silent Bob, who seems grumpy about the whole situation. I know he seems grumpy because we accidentally make eye contact at one point, forcing me to instantly pretend that I’m shopping for a baking pan in order to avoid being charged with two counts of eavesdropping and misdemeanor gawking.
As I try to figure out which pan would be best for my imaginary apple crumble, the SHC continued with her cell phone conversation.
“And listen to this! They even have pink food coloring! Can you believe it? You know how sometimes things start to click and everything falls into place and you just feel so creative? I feel so creative right now!”
Ok, first of all, I have no idea why it’s shocking that a grocery store would have icing and food coloring. Granted, I don’t know what’s standard because I’ve never spent a minute in the baking aisle before this night, but I assume that is kind of standard fare. Regardless, I get caught up in all the excitement and try to sneak another peek at the SHC’s body. Predictably, it’s awesome. More predictably, I get busted again by Sleazy Silent Bob.
I decide for my own safety, I must leave the baking aisle. But I’m now hooked on the SHC’s burst of “creativity.” Now that she’s in the zone, I have to see how this turns out. So, I race over to the next aisle and press my ear up against the canned pineapple in an attempt to hear the end of the SHC’s phone conversation.
Sure enough, my stakeout is a success, as I assume the position just in time to hear…
“This is so great! I’m going to have enough frosting to cover my whole body. He’s gonna be so surprised!”
And with that, the Smokin Hot Chick lets out a Smokin Hot giggle and it all becomes clear. At 11 pm on a Wednesday night, a Smokin Hot Chick is stocking up on frosting so she can surprise her boyfriend by wearing it – and nothing else – when he comes home.
It’s a beautiful LA moment. And Sleazy Silent Bob is grumpy because he has somehow found himself in the worst variation of the friend zone a guy could ever be in. He’s the guy that has to drive the SHC all around town so that she can buy the frosting that will be licked off her nipples by another dude who is not in the friend zone.
My curiosity satisfied and my hunger not, I return to my shopping with a smile on my face – a smile that was clearly absent from Sleazy Silent Bob’s face when I ran into him and the Smokin Hot Chick in the checkout line a few minutes later.
The moral of the story? I should spend more time in the baking aisle – that’s where the action is.
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