Are you bored with your life? Looking to spice things up a bit? Well, we’re here to help by providing you with this handy weekly to do list featuring one thing you can do each day this week to make your life a little more interesting. You can thank us later.
Monday — Become A Stalker
Just because your life is in a rut, doesn’t mean everybody’s is. That’s why we recommend starting off your week by stalking somebody whose life is more interesting than yours. It can be somebody you know, somebody you have an inappropriate crush on, or even just a random stranger you run into at the 99 cents store. Just pick somebody out and follow them around to see how they spend their time. And once you get the hang of it, you can even start sending them letters, calling their phone and hanging up, or even peeping in their windows to find out what they do in the “privacy” of their own home. And if the stalkee happens to notice that you’ve been following them around all day and asks you why, just ask them why they have been leading you on all day.
Tuesday – Buy A Beeper
Here’s a fun way to put some excitement back into your telecommunications life and be nostalgic at the same time. Throw out your fancy new cell phone and instead buy a beeper. Then, inform all your friends that from now on you can only be reached on said beeper and let the good times roll. This will lead to a number of interesting conversations with your friends who will openly question the state of your mental health. Luckily for you, if the conversations get to be tiresome you can just stop calling people back when they beep you.
Wednesday – Dump Your Girlfriend (or Boyfriend)
Summer’s almost here and now seems as good a time as any to dump your significant other. There’s no greater way to shake up your life than by ending your relationship. And if the dumpee asks you what has led you to make this decision, we recommend telling them the reason for your breakup is that it’s hump day. This will make you a legend.
Thursday – Start A Rumor
Rumors are fun to spread, but they are even better to start. But if you’re going to go to the trouble of starting a rumor, get creative with it. Rumors of infidelity, homosexuality, and backstabbing are so played out. We suggest trying to start a more challenging rumor. For example, maybe you can spread the rumor that one of your friends is actually retarded. Not just “He acts like an idiot retarded,” but “He used to ride the short bus to school” retarded. Or, maybe you can convince people that a girl you know has three nipples. You’ll know that rumor is working when people start calling her Tri-Tip.
Friday – Call In Pregnant
Any jackass can call in sick, but it takes a real commitment to call in pregnant. And Friday is a great day to do it, because you get at least a 3-day weekend out of it. Ladies, we recommend that you call in Friday morning and tell your boss that you ran into an old boyfriend recently and, long story short, you forgot how well his boys can swim. So, you’re going to need some time off. Don’t be concerned about the fact that you’re not actually pregnant, because when you return to work on Monday you can always tell your boss that you’re no longer pregnant because your boyfriend sold some CDs and came up with a few hundred bucks. On a related note, guys can call in pregnant as well. In fact, that usually comes as an even bigger shocker to your boss.
Saturday – Shave Something Into Your Head
Remember in the 1990’s when everybody was shaving words into their high top fades? Well, it’s time to bring that fashion craze back, starting with your own skull. It’s up to you what word you choose to feature on your nugget, but we recommend either “3rd Bass,” “Not Gay,” or “I Did This Because Whip It Out Comedy Told Me To.”
Sunday – Find A Nemesis
What does every great hero have in common? A nemesis. Therefore, in order to become great you are going to have to find a nemesis for yourself. It could be a co-worker, a sibling, a rabbi, a homeless guy, or just about anyone that you feel can fill the role of villain in your life. It’s also important that the person you find agree to move to an unusual locale such as a volcano or underwater lair, from which they will plot your destruction.
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